Where to go from here

I'm not sure what to do now. I've taken a path to DD land that feels a bit different then many others' I've heard about. I still think it's the right one for us. I've know since day one that it would take us longer to get somewhere with this. I've listened to the advice of friends about really letting him own this on his own time and in his own way... I think I've been doing a very good job at that, but damn it, my patience is running seriously thin. I'm bored with this. I'm tired of waiting for him to take this and do something with it. I'm tired of waiting... period.

The problem, of course, is that there is absolutely nothing I can fault him with. He loves me desperately, he wants to make me happy. He is owning this in his own way on his own time. He's just not there yet. He was happy to be able to spank me over not meeting my exercise goal. It was concrete, he could understand it and do something about it. Unfortunately, I started to really resent doing the exercises to avoid a spanking vs. doing the exercising because I like to do it and it's good for me - I was exercising for the wrong reasons and it just wasn't working mentally for me. So we pretty much took that off the table. So now, who knows when I'll ever be spanked again. It's not that I want to be spanked, so much. It's that I want to know it's an actual option, that it's on the table. That he's paying attention to what I'm doing.

I started this post a couple of weeks ago and now am getting back to it... Wanting to know he's paying attention to me... That seems to be a bigger theme in my marriage at the moment. Dan and I always click, but lately we just haven't been and it really all boils down to him paying attention to me. These last few weeks has made me wonder if this issue hasn't been around longer than I realized and maybe it is behind (on some level) my bringing up DD to him in the first place. Maybe that's what clicked for me. A concrete way for me to know he sees me. And wow, I think we have one of the all time best marriages so even writing that somehow feels... I don't know what - disloyal, wrong (but no, it feels right to say that).. I'm going to have to give this some more thought.

Kelly