I'm struggling with this. I want Dan to step up and be more in charge, but I don't always follow his lead. It's sort of like we are living two different lives and to some degree they are warring against each other. We've spent so many years as two very independent people with very independent lives. We schedule our lives together.. as in literally in Outlook. We both have to have smart phones so we can actually keep track of the calendar. Over the years we have split certain responsiblities based on our relative skill-sets... There has never been a head of our house.... well maybe I was, if push came to shove, though I think I know that to be true more than Dan does.
So what about now? I've asked for DD, he's agreed - but we're both still figuring this out. I think we've figured out the mechanics of a spanking (I don't care that that sounds ridiculous, it's something we needed to do). I think we've even figured out the overall point of DD. But this day to day stuff... that's hard. My back exercises is the perfect example. After working 70-80 hours a week for six weeks I then slipped on the ice twice and the combination of those things threw my back out. I have ongoing back problems that are kept in control by monthly visits to the chiropractor as well as doing my simple back exercises most days. During that busy time at work I had completely gotten out of the habit of doing them.
Once my back got better, Dan told me I needed to do my exercises at least five times per week or I'd be spanked. I've already gotten spanked for this once, but man, I just can't seem to get myself to do them. There's always a reason not to. And the stupid thing is - this is a perfect opportunity for me to show Dan how this works. I know he wants me to do them because they help to keep me pain free and mobile. I want him to be paying attention to my health and safety... this seems like a stupid no brainer. Do the damn exercises and thank my husband for caring so much about me. This is a win win win. He's telling me to do something... I'm following his lead... and duh.. my back stays healthy.
But I can't seem to get myself to do it. And I know I'm sending him mixed messages. The last thing I want him to think is that this is a spanking game to me, but I why would he think anything else at this point. Hell, I don't know what my deal is. It is definitely on my mind that he might spank for this (my not doing them), but I don't think that's my intention.... maybe it is and I'm just in denial... I just don't know.
The point is, though that I don't think I'm living up to my end of the bargain and I think that slows us down (as if we need to be going any slower). The exercises are one example, but there are others. I've never ever done well if someone tells me what to do, my reaction has always been to do the opposite. Perhaps that's what's going on here... I just don't know. I totally think he's living up to his end, and instead of praising him and helping him gain more confidence that these new things he does and says are exactly what I want, I'm pushing against it... why do you think that is?
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Maybe this is real
Dan came upstairs to tell me something wonderful he'd done but in so doing he inadvertently pushed one of my big buttons - not feeling listened to. One of our ongoing tensions is when I feel like I ask him a straight forward simple question and he answers what he thinks I should have asked which often has little to do with what I was actually asking - and it makes me crazy. So when I asked him some questions about what he was telling me and he was answering other questions not asked, which led to him totally contradicting himself - it made me crazy. I did manage to not get mad, barely... but I did get quiet and pull into myself. It was clear that I was annoyed. We politely finished the conversation and then he left to go downstairs.
About five minutes later he came storming back upstairs all kinds of mad. He said he'd been down stairs feeling awful and agonizing over our conversation and THAT was bullshit!!! He did not need to be doing that. (it was very hot!) We had a fairly good conversation right then. I very much appreciated him coming up to deal with it. I thought he was going to spank for it, but ultimately he didn't and eventually he left again and I went to bed.
The next day I thought about it for quite some time and sent him an email wanting to talk about how to have handled the night before better. It said in part...
If I ever make you feel as I did, it would make perfect sense to me that you might want to spank me.. A perfect example of a reason, in fact. The fact that, in my opinion last night, your actions contributed to my closing off and only giving you negatives is not really relevant..... So I think my reaction only served to cause tension where there didn't need to be any and that is contrary to the goal of a peaceful and supportive union (for lack of a better description).
.... The idea that I would do anything that would make you feel badly and have you downstairs agonizing over it is "bullshit" to use your word. I think it's a perfect word. That's not the goal of our marriage and I think you were SO very right to have come back up last night and told me so. I don't think I should have been "let off" as easily as you did, though that is who we have been for a very long time..... I'm just thinking now, that I don't think it should be okay for me to act in a way that makes you feel badly, most especially, when all you were doing was coming up and sharing your excitement about something wonderful you were able to do.....
The next night we had a long conversation...he said he really liked the phrase I had written "a peaceful and supportive union." It made sense to him. We went back and forth for some time about different things but kept coming back to that. I pointed out and he readily agreed (almost with a sense of relief) how if we get into that mode of argument or just tension that I am the arguer and he is the retreater. He said how he'd watched his dad retreat for 20 years and picked up those skills. He's quick, he said and I agree, to take on the burden of a disagreement in order to move past it. I told him that was very much my style, everywhere but with him - he laughed at me telling me he didn't think in all the years we've known each other that I had once done that. My feeling were a little hurt by that because it's not true, but the "feeling" of that statement is true, there usually needs to be another reason for me to do that with him. He doesn't feel well for instance or is in the middle of a big stressful deadline.
The really interesting part was that we both got to a place where we agreed that the peace and harmony of us of the marriage of our family - that's the goal of DD. Sure, he could give me a bedtime or make sure I exercise, but the overriding reason for DD is to make our marriage peaceful and our home full of harmony - and the real truth is that, though he's the yeller and I'm not, it's still me who is more likely to do things counter to that peaceful union... retreat, put on a polite attitude, argue, out logic him just to be right. We've done the work for a good marriage, there's no doubt that's true, but I still hold onto my need to be right in the moment far too many times. I can get to a place where I come back and say what needs to be said, but in the mean time we've had tension and what's the point of that. We both know how well we communicate, why waste time and energy being annoyed or full of righteous indignation.
He gave me suggestions for how I could have handled my confusion better.... Just tell me you need a time out, that you're lost... Okay, sure that's one simple way (she says sarcastically). He said that right there in the moment he needs to work on being stronger; strong enough to tell me to stop and strong enough to be willing to ignore my protests. (I loved that he said that). We talked about how in the future he will tell me to stop and not go down that path of annoyance or tension and then I get to choose - and if I choose wrong, which, hey, maybe I will if I'm feeling "right" (said with hands on hips), that he will stop me himself by telling me to bend over. Maybe the most important thing we both agreed on was that with all our years worth of patterns - we're going to screw this up for a while. How the first several times we do this it might not work. I might still be mad, he might still be annoyed, he might feel guilty, whatever... but at some point it'll click and we'll both trust this is a real live option.
He had told me that one of the main reasons he hadn't spanked that night when he stormed back upstairs was because he was mad and afraid of spanking mad. I told him I trusted him not to hurt me (well you know what I mean). The fact that this was a concern for him told me this was "settling" in his brain. That's a concern that most men have at some point - it's perfectly normal to worry and think about that and him thinking about that made me.... happy on some level because it was such a normal reaction.
This whole DD and spanking thing is going to end up being one of those things that was my idea but he ends up more comfortable with. I'm still wildly embarrassed, though I do think that may be lessening some, but he's just ... I don't know... thoughtful about it, processing it... I think he's sort of considering really owning this power (which, sure scares the bejeezes out of me).. but for all the doubts I've been having about this or that (spanking specifically) I'm telling you (ok I'm telling me) that him having the power to shut me down if I need to be shut down can only be a good thing in our marriage and I think the "stick" of the spanking will, in fact be important to this whole thing, maybe more for him than me, but I'm not sure that's true.... (I may deny writing this later)
Kelly
About five minutes later he came storming back upstairs all kinds of mad. He said he'd been down stairs feeling awful and agonizing over our conversation and THAT was bullshit!!! He did not need to be doing that. (it was very hot!) We had a fairly good conversation right then. I very much appreciated him coming up to deal with it. I thought he was going to spank for it, but ultimately he didn't and eventually he left again and I went to bed.
The next day I thought about it for quite some time and sent him an email wanting to talk about how to have handled the night before better. It said in part...
If I ever make you feel as I did, it would make perfect sense to me that you might want to spank me.. A perfect example of a reason, in fact. The fact that, in my opinion last night, your actions contributed to my closing off and only giving you negatives is not really relevant..... So I think my reaction only served to cause tension where there didn't need to be any and that is contrary to the goal of a peaceful and supportive union (for lack of a better description).
.... The idea that I would do anything that would make you feel badly and have you downstairs agonizing over it is "bullshit" to use your word. I think it's a perfect word. That's not the goal of our marriage and I think you were SO very right to have come back up last night and told me so. I don't think I should have been "let off" as easily as you did, though that is who we have been for a very long time..... I'm just thinking now, that I don't think it should be okay for me to act in a way that makes you feel badly, most especially, when all you were doing was coming up and sharing your excitement about something wonderful you were able to do.....
The next night we had a long conversation...he said he really liked the phrase I had written "a peaceful and supportive union." It made sense to him. We went back and forth for some time about different things but kept coming back to that. I pointed out and he readily agreed (almost with a sense of relief) how if we get into that mode of argument or just tension that I am the arguer and he is the retreater. He said how he'd watched his dad retreat for 20 years and picked up those skills. He's quick, he said and I agree, to take on the burden of a disagreement in order to move past it. I told him that was very much my style, everywhere but with him - he laughed at me telling me he didn't think in all the years we've known each other that I had once done that. My feeling were a little hurt by that because it's not true, but the "feeling" of that statement is true, there usually needs to be another reason for me to do that with him. He doesn't feel well for instance or is in the middle of a big stressful deadline.
The really interesting part was that we both got to a place where we agreed that the peace and harmony of us of the marriage of our family - that's the goal of DD. Sure, he could give me a bedtime or make sure I exercise, but the overriding reason for DD is to make our marriage peaceful and our home full of harmony - and the real truth is that, though he's the yeller and I'm not, it's still me who is more likely to do things counter to that peaceful union... retreat, put on a polite attitude, argue, out logic him just to be right. We've done the work for a good marriage, there's no doubt that's true, but I still hold onto my need to be right in the moment far too many times. I can get to a place where I come back and say what needs to be said, but in the mean time we've had tension and what's the point of that. We both know how well we communicate, why waste time and energy being annoyed or full of righteous indignation.
He gave me suggestions for how I could have handled my confusion better.... Just tell me you need a time out, that you're lost... Okay, sure that's one simple way (she says sarcastically). He said that right there in the moment he needs to work on being stronger; strong enough to tell me to stop and strong enough to be willing to ignore my protests. (I loved that he said that). We talked about how in the future he will tell me to stop and not go down that path of annoyance or tension and then I get to choose - and if I choose wrong, which, hey, maybe I will if I'm feeling "right" (said with hands on hips), that he will stop me himself by telling me to bend over. Maybe the most important thing we both agreed on was that with all our years worth of patterns - we're going to screw this up for a while. How the first several times we do this it might not work. I might still be mad, he might still be annoyed, he might feel guilty, whatever... but at some point it'll click and we'll both trust this is a real live option.
He had told me that one of the main reasons he hadn't spanked that night when he stormed back upstairs was because he was mad and afraid of spanking mad. I told him I trusted him not to hurt me (well you know what I mean). The fact that this was a concern for him told me this was "settling" in his brain. That's a concern that most men have at some point - it's perfectly normal to worry and think about that and him thinking about that made me.... happy on some level because it was such a normal reaction.
This whole DD and spanking thing is going to end up being one of those things that was my idea but he ends up more comfortable with. I'm still wildly embarrassed, though I do think that may be lessening some, but he's just ... I don't know... thoughtful about it, processing it... I think he's sort of considering really owning this power (which, sure scares the bejeezes out of me).. but for all the doubts I've been having about this or that (spanking specifically) I'm telling you (ok I'm telling me) that him having the power to shut me down if I need to be shut down can only be a good thing in our marriage and I think the "stick" of the spanking will, in fact be important to this whole thing, maybe more for him than me, but I'm not sure that's true.... (I may deny writing this later)
Kelly
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