Turning the crank

We have this cycle. And maybe the cycle changes each time - for the better - I'm not sure if that's true of if I'm just making excuses. Frankly I'm tired of the cycle and I want off. But I don't know what off means. I don't want to go back to the way it used to be - which wasn't bad - but felt less close and connected.

Wait - let's talk about the cycle. I say something specific about DD to Dan (sometimes through email, sometimes a conversation, lately it's been through this blog; he reads it. I've actually avoided blogging here because I was hoping the cycle might change - but ... not so much. So back to it... I say something do Dan and he says... "you know I was just thinking I should spank you for this or that. In fact if you hadn't said something tonight I was going to talk to you about it tomorrow." and then he spanks me. Somewhere in there before and/or after we'll have this good and in depth conversation about us and stuff and whatnot and it leaves me feeling like we're on the same page. For me the aftermath of those things is always a sense of being closer and more connected with him. We're more in tune; a team - I feel more love and happiness and security flowing around our home. I can so easily overlook things I would otherwise find annoying - or if not overlook certainly they don't really bother me. (Like leaving the bread open or the milk on the counter).

For him - I don't know what he feels - but he'll act as though he's more in tune with me. We seem to joke more, play more, there seem to be lots of places where he'll get all "HOH-y" even in jest as in "AH AH AH Stop right now" or "Enough!" or he'll just come up and whack my ass here and there to accentuate his point. This will last for ... eh... a few weeks until it slowly dwindles away. Maybe that happens related to his travel schedule, maybe not, I don't know.

But then we get to this place we're in now, where we're basically roommates again. We get along great. We still laugh, but less. We have sex - sometimes more sometimes less - but even that feels less connected. It'll bother me more if he gets up afterward to go back to work (in his den downstairs) or it'll bother me less and that will bother me more. Any HOH-y things that he does are now few and far between - just today he said... "you're the leader (on a house project we're working on) but I'm still in charge" I stopped myself from saying... "Yeah right", I thought that was the mature thing to do.

It's not that I like to be spanked per se, I really don't - it hurts. (though I will say I'm very interested in playing with spanking and pain in a fun and sexual way, but am not sure Dan's yet ready to try that) But for me, it seems a small price to pay for the connection and harmony it brings to me - I'd like to say to us, but I think Dan would argue that point - it's not logical enough for him (but I think he'd be wrong). I've told him repeatedly I want more spanking in my life, I want to feel his ... presence. I want to say feel his authority but again I know he'll read this and I think he'll balk at that word - want to argue and dissect the language of it. (ok he doesn't really argue at all) What he does do is say over and over - I want to meet your needs, keep telling me what you want and we'll see how it goes. And I keep telling him and he'll dutifully repeat it back in his own words to make sure he really gets what I'm saying and then.... not a thing. At least not until I wind the little crank on the side of our cycle again by saying something to him and then it'll all start over again..

Maybe the fact that today, 8 weeks to the day since the last time he spanked me, he made the comment about him being in charge is something I should view as a sign he won't always need me to wind the crank - maybe not. But for me - as time passes and the stuff related to DD that he does is less and less I feel less and less important to him. I feel less and less connected to him. More alone. The bread and milk kind of things he does bother me more and more. I don't like this cycle. He asked me the other day... are their lesbian couples who practice DD too (as if that's what we do) and again I refrained from saying something snarky and immature. I think I should get a prize for that.

I know he'll say - Man, I'm sorry, it's just the project I'm working on (which is in a little more than a month from now and is certainly a huge time sucker). But I don't buy that. By the time the project rolls around it'll have been a quarter of a year since he last spanked me. (assuming he doesn't read this little post and notice that I'm turning the crank) And in every quarter of every year there's a lot of life that happens; big and small. And I want to be his priority - always.

Kelly