Friday, December 11, 2009

Different paths - mileage may vary

It seems there are many paths to take towards a loving consistent DD way of life. I am very conscious about not saying towards a perfect DD life, because I don't think that exists - just like I don't think a perfect marriage exists. Both (or maybe in our cases they are one in the same) are living breathing things that take lots of nourishment and constant care to keep them thriving.

Melanie and I were talking the other day and some of the differences that exist occurred to me. One of the important benefits of DD, actually it's the most important to me, is the closeness and connection that it can bring to a relationship. I've always been a fairly closed off person and through DD I've allowed some of my layers to be peeled back - sort of like an onion. Somehow though DD; Dan paying attention to me, me knowing he is at least in part through him spanking me the layers start to peel away. The result of that is a warmer and closer connection to him which I love and I believe he loves too.

The problem that we haven't yet fully figured out is how to keep them peeled back. It's like we are on the same page for a while and the layers are moving but then we stall and it's almost like the layers start to grow over. This is a difference between Melanie and I. I think she can get to the 'layers are peeled' place in a couple of ways; Thomas being loving and consistent with DD in their house will certainly keep her walls down (or layers peeled) but I also think with effort she is able to decide to let her layers peel away but either way it leaves her raw and open to hurt. And so she has to be really confident that Thomas will treat her with kid gloves.

Whereas I don't have the first clue how to peel back my own layers or tear down my walls - though I have seen with DD they can move on their own. I truly want the walls down; at least towards Dan, as I believe this will keep us more connected - more of a unit, and I think DD is a method towards making that happen. But I think because we haven't figured out exactly what DD means in our every day life the layers don't tend to stay peeled. So it feels like we take two steps forward and one step back.

I do think I am figuring out that spanking itself is a key for me and my layers. I'm not sure why and I'm not sure how, but if nothing spanking related happens for more than three weeks or so, I can feel my walls going back up. I can feel myself getting more tense about things in general. Maybe I'm just enough of a doubting Thomas (no offense Thomas) that I need the concrete reminder. If that one piece is there (Dan paying attention to me and I am reminded of this by a spanking) and it can be counted on - the rest of life is easier to take. I'm pretty sure that we'll get there. Dan has been really great of late. But we're still working on the finer points. It's hard for him to think it's okay to spank for the normal stuff in the course of our lives. He'll say things - so I know he's not completely ignoring it or me - like 'stop, you're being snappish', or 'that's enough', or 'stop it right now'. It's mostly just little stuff. But I think there will come a day when he decides that's enough to spank over - or three of those things is enough. I'm not going to suddenly start being a royal brat that does all these awful things so we'll have to figure out what things will warrant a spanking and hopefully we'll find a way to keep the layers from growing over again. I truly believe he'll eventually get to a place where he'll be comfortable spanking over the day to day stuff because I think that may be the only thing that gets me spanked often enough for my layers to not start growing over again.

I was saying to Melanie - my way is frustratingly, excruciatingly slow. It drives me insane some of the time - sitting and waiting for something to happen - waiting to find out whether Dan meant what he last said about DD; whatever it was. But the result for me is frustration or anger - occasionally I can get hurt too, but really I keep my walls high enough to protect me from that. Melanie, however, can get really hurt as she opens herself up by putting her walls down and trusting in Thomas. If he doesn't follow through with what he said he was going to do; or worse yet if he's just insensitive to her needs in general - the result for her is hurt.

So sometimes I look at her and many others I know and think OMG we'll never get there. We often seem stalled in the same place or the steps we take make baby steps seem like giant leaps, but we have not had these huge starts and stops with lots of ups and downs and wild fluctuations and massive hurt and crying jags. We're walking in a relatively straight line - even if it's taking a long time to get there. Others I know, in some ways including Melanie, took off at rocket speed and have gotten much further than I ever have only to have these wild ups and downs and a measure of drama along the way. I'm not sure which way is better; certainly they both have pros and cons and I believe both are equally successful.



Melanie said...

It's true about that. Insightful of you!

cutiepie said...

how are you:)
I would love to do a link trade with your spanking blog

I have added a link to you on my spanking blog

and would love it if you could do the same:)
sorry to write this in your comments I could not find a contact email.
thankyou for your consideration
Michelle a.k.a cutiepie

Not My Original Vows said...

Kelly, You are right that it can be so frustrating. I am at a place where things are good, but probably never be where I want it. I came to peace with that. I am like you in the onion process. The layers peel away, but I think slowly they grow back. Or, so I thought. Since Luke has been gone, I told myself I won't be weak or wimpy, stick on tough girl. Weird though, as hard I try parts of her are gone, I have changed. I am sure you have too. It's been a while since we talked, but my phone is always available. You and Dan are a great couple. I am sure you will also find your place.

cutie said...