An experiment towards letting down the walls

I know I want the emotional release that I believe I will get from a spanking at some point in the future. But before I can get there a bunch of things need to happen. I'm completely confident I don't know what half of them are.

But I think I know a few. Dan needs to own this in a way that is meaningful to me. Right now that's not the case. He owns giving me swats here and there around the house when he wants me to do something or stop doing something and I'm really happy about that. Our spankings though, he doesn't own them yet. He is closer now than he used to be, but they are still not something he owns. He'll do them, but it usually requires a bit of a prompt - like my giving him something DD related to read, or something along those lines. Also, I think the spankings must have some sort of ritual that I fully buy into to help me get into the right mindset so that I am open to the emotions, and really a lot of that will probably come from his ownership, we'll see.

But today's post is about the length and strength of a spanking because another thing that I'm pretty sure I'll need is a spanking that is long and hard enough to allow me the 'time and space' (whatever that means) to let down my guard. Mind you, that could possibly take a few hours, but hopefully not. And so far my spankings have touched on 'hard' but have definitely not been long enough. They are usually about 5 minutes long. If I had to guess, I'd say he watches the clock. He's a scientist so he always has a plan. A friend of mine suggested that I ask Dan to do an experiment - for him to go for 10 minutes with the first half being at a medium intensity and the 2nd half being hard.

He was willing and agreed as long as I promised to tell him if I'd had enough. He always asks me what he should use (this is part of the ownership thing I was talking about) and I thought it would be a good idea to use a new long wooden thingy that someone sent to me when I lost a bet (note to self; this was maybe not the best time to try out a new implement, especially one made of wood). I also always take down my clothes and this time decided to keep my underwear in place. Part of me was hoping he'd take them down as I feel that will do something to me mentally, but I couldn't quite get myself to tell him to do it, so my underwear stayed in place throughout, which added more of a thuddy feeling which I prefer.

It was my intention to try my best to stay in position and just "feel", just absorb the pain. Over I went and he began pretty lightly. We've talked about warming me up, so he's pretty good about that. He watched the clock very closely and gave me progress reports... "you are about 5 minutes in, you doing okay?", that kind of thing. But true to the experiment, once he made it to a medium/hard intensity he stayed there until 5 minutes had passed and then he got harder. I believe he continued slowly getting harder for the next few minutes. The implement in question is pretty long so he was really getting one side more than the other and boy oh boy by the end it was really hurting, but he had done a really good job of building it up slowly. I did a good job of just staying in position and 'taking' it, which was good for me to know I could do. I'm not sure how that might change if I was feeling guilty about something, but still it's good to know I could do it.

The spanking wasn't for anything in particular. He said it was for stress relief and also because I was rude to a man at the mall and I was in fact really stressed and I was in fact rude to the guy at the mall, but I'm often rude to people because I'm just bad with people, which totally bothers me, but this one didn't even make my rude radar. So I wasn't feeling badly about anything. It added to the clinical feel of the experiment we were conducting. By the end, it was really hard to take each swat. I kept thinking, I can't take it, I have to stop, but I'd manage to take the next one until finally, I really couldn't take anymore and I asked him to stop. He said, just a few more and then we will. I was thrilled that he said that - good for him.

I was more bruised than I've ever been at any time in my life. My ass was quite literally black. No other colors, just black. And it hurt the next day, but 2 days later, it hurt so much more. Luckily Dan was away on business so he didn't have to see my butt. I'm really not sure what I or he for that matter learned from this experiment, but it feels like it was a good thing to do. I guess we both know that I can take it much harder then he has been giving it to me, and I think that's a good thing. (I know I will come to regret those words in the future).

Kelly