Emotions for the non-emotional

The toughest thing about this whole thing has been the emotions. When I was a kid I was overly sensitive, or at least that's what my mom always told me. I learned at a very early age to keep my emotions locked up tight in order to keep me safe and sound. Since then I've always had a more traditionally "male" emotional side. I'm very even tempered; calm in an emergency, steady as a rock.... And then came DD.

Man oh man. This emotional shit is for the birds. Just following his lead created the cracks in the walls around my heart. It's not that I'm a cold person; it's just that I don't let things get 'in'. Dan for years has had the one and only key to the big, heavy, steel door that is the only way through my walls. But he knows how tough emotions are for me and only uses that key when absolutely necessary. But now it seems that big door is sitting ajar. He can so easily hurt my feelings and I know - absolutely, concretely know that he doesn't mean it. He's the sweetest most loving man I know, but he's just not used to having to handle me with kid gloves. I've been the hard ass of our family for all these years; so much more likely to hurt his feelings because I wasn't being careful, then the other way around.

But now. Well now, he can just tear me up and I just don't know how to handle it. A friend of mine who also has a DD relationship said to me "Now Kelly, you didn't really think you'd be able to stay emotionally distant with him smackin' your ass, did you? Come on girl, you're smarter than that." Truthfully, it never crossed my mind one way or the other, at least not on a conscious level.... But even more truthfully, I really think - deep down where I don't like to look - this emotional nakedness might be the thing I was looking for all along. Dan and I are very close; but in a fun and friendly way. We love each other very, very much but we also really like each other, we have fun together, we have a great sex life, but rarely make love (which is all me), he's much more emotional than I am, but I've pushed that away for so long it's really hard to bring it back and boy oh boy am I ill-equipped to do it. We could be closer - closer in a raw and scary, yet I think rewarding way. Damn I wish I didn't feel this was the right path for us. Sometimes I really want to just jump ship and say forget it, I was just kidding.

Kelly