Not sure what to do now

I have asked for DD. Dan has agreed to it. He's seen me react positively to a spanking. He's really appreciated the ability to express his displeasure and have an issue be over and done with. He'll do anything to make me happy. We've been progressing slowly but steadily in the right direction.

But we seem to be stuck, or at least stalled. I'm pretty sure he'd spank if I was a total ass to him, but that's not really me. And I'm pretty sure if I was totally stressed out; that kind of visible stress that causes you to be short with people or for me sometimes it manifests itself with very controlled speaking as if I'm doing everything I can to keep myself from running screaming from a room, he'd spank to give me some stress relief. But I'm pretty even tempered, so that doesn't happen too much. So that leaves us with... hmmm... I don't know what.

It's not that I want to be spanked every day; I so don't. But if I'm not usually an ass and I'm not usually stressed, then there will be virtually no spanking in our home. In the limited experience we've had with actual spankings I have found the connection created between us extremely desirable. What a ridiculously, stupidly clinical comment; but true nonetheless. It's an emotional release; one we truly haven't fully explored. But for a me, a non emotional woman, I crave that release I've only yet had a taste of. I've told him I want there to be more spankings in my life. He has agreed. But I think we both struggle; him more than I, with the why of it and we just haven't been doing this long enough to have found our comfort zone with this new dynamic.

A friend of mine directed me to a Vicki Blue essay that I'm going to give Dan tonight that talks about other reasons to spank; laying it out in sort of black and white terms. The other parts of DD seem to be well defined for us. We're both comfortable enough with him in the leader role, which is definitely different for us. He asserts himself about the little stuff that bugs him, much more comfortably. He likes to give my butt a few good swats to emphasize a point here and there. It's working for us, but I'm selfish and I want more. Wish me luck.

Kelly

Doing what I'm asked

I don't always find doing what I'm asked very easy... Okay. Let's be honest. I have a really hard time with it. ;)

Forever ago Thomas had ear marked the sale of his old junker/play car as my money for a ring I wanted. (It was a car someone just gave him for free. It ran - sort of!) An old mechanic bought it for his own toy this week.

Anyway, last night I'm looking at the ring online and I see another set I want of two rings. They were on sale, it was not much more money than the allotted car fund but I felt guilty. So I asked him.

This may not seem like a big deal "So I asked him." but for me it is. For most of our marriage I wouldn't have asked. I would have just told him I'd done it. I pay all our bills (He hates to pay bills) so I always know how much money we have, etc.

He told me he didn't think I should get them all. Order one ring, enjoy it. Then order another in a month or two and enjoy that one then. He didn't flat out tell me no. He even said "Go ahead if you really want to."

I waffled for awhile internally. I didn't say anything to him - although he knew I was struggling with it. I IMed Kelly - she was encouraging too.

Finally, I just ordered the one ring. For no other reason than I wanted to do what Thomas thought I should.

When I told him I'd just ordered the one ring, he leaned over, kissed me on the forehead and said "I'm proud of you for using such good self-control." (It was something like that. That's not quite how he said it.)

When he said that, it was worth it.

It's just an example of what Kelly said about the vegetable choices.

Getting or not getting the rings was not the important issue. My sweet husband rarely tells me no that it's important I listen when he gently does.

And I feel a little victorious too!

...and I WILL get the other ring later... ;)

The beginning of "it" for us

Unlike Melanie, we hadn't really ever tried out different balances in our marriage, but still I was searching for something. Maybe I was just tired of keeping everything in balance. I could no longer come up with the point. The first thing I told Dan about domestic discipline was "Babe, do you know what I found on the web? There are these absolutely crazy people out there who have real live ongoing relationships where the husband spanks the wife if she misbehaves. Can you imagine? We live in a seriously crazy world." And he said something like "It takes all kinds".

A few weeks and much surfing later, I came back to him and said "Honey, you remember what I told you about those crazy spankers?"

"Yeah"

"Well I've been doing a bit more research into it and... well.. I'm finding it very.. (insert meaningful pause) interesting"

I got some raised eyebrows, he knows me very well. "Interesting, you say?"

"yup"

"Okay, keep me posted."

Over the next couple of weeks I came out and told him I wanted this type of relationship. He was surprised and skeptical but always willing do give me what I want.

Really the first thing I did was practice following his lead. It started with small almost meaningless things; would you rather have corn or broccoli? and then going with his preference. Asking his opinion on more things and just following his lead. He's a smart man, he makes good choices and I like corn and broccoli - what do I care which we eat tonight? But a funny thing started happening, even with just these little things, I started to fell oddly closer to him and I think he started to stand up a little straighter. But really there were all these emotional things going on with me; like my walls were beginning to crack and warp. It scared the hell out of me, but I couldn't shake my bone deep belief that this was the right direction for us.

We're still working on it. Dan 's an engineer and very methodical, he takes his time easing into anything new. But I want this, maybe it's that I need this and I know he'll do anything he can to give me what I want and need so we're getting there just exactly at the right pace for us. We're moving much slower than anyone else I know who lives their life similarly; but it's just the right pace for us. We both need the time to really adjust to this new dynamic. We are both getting more comfortable with spanking and how it fits in with us. Each time we do it, it becomes closer to what we're both looking for. We both remain astonished that it is having such positive effects on our already strong marriage.

Kelly

Melanie's Intro

Oh where to start...

We practice domestic discipline.

We spent a lot of years of our marriage fighting for control. Thomas fighting to take control, me fighting back, and him giving in because he wants to make me happy. (He would do anything to make me happy!) Me fighting more because I wanted him to win but only if he could best me - not that I ever told him that - or that I was even capable of really putting that into words myself for a long time.

We messed around with some different dynamics starting a couple years ago. I was just looking for a solution. I hated battling with him. We tried different balances and one day as I was reading online I came across the term "Taken In Hand" and that led me to Domestic Discipline. When I read it I just knew it was what I'd been looking for.

In researching the term, I found a lot of things I don't agree with and a lot I do. We take what we want and leave the rest.

We needed a structure. A balance in our relationship. And this was the answer.

I didn't even hesitate. I called Thomas to the computer right then to show him what I'd found. He asked incredulously "You're gonna let me spank you?"

But he quickly took to the idea - really quickly actually.

Like anything else with marriage there are bumps and bruises along the way.

I imagine I will use this blog mostly to flesh all the stuff out. Writing out my feelings about this is so helpful to me.

I am - like Kelly said - a strong woman. There isn't a soul who knows me that would believe this happens in my house hold.

My husband is in charge. And I like it!

Kelly's introduction

I'm a 42 year old woman; smart and powerful - a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a feminist, a CPA. I’ve been married to Dan, an amazing man for more than fifteen years. We have two children and two dogs. I discovered domestic discipline on the web about nine months ago and wow... click. That was it. A big piece of the puzzle slid perfectly into place. I tried to shake it, deny it could be true, but it's here to stay.

To say this is a surprise to me is an understatement of epic proportion. Most people who know Dan and me would say if asked that I wear the pants in the relationship. This isn’t and has never been the case, I’m just louder. We’ve had what we both consider a true 50/50 relationship. We've laughed at those who think it's not possible. But it takes hard work to keep the balance just so. We both take care of the kids, we both cook, we both work outside of the home, we both clean, we both make decisions, we both have veto power. There are things he does better than I and things I do better than him and we make the most efficient decisions we can about who does what.

Many years ago, we heard someone on the radio talking about the secret to completing household projects successfully is picking a leader. We've always joked that it's really the secret to our happy marriage - can you say holy foreshadowing Batman? We both have strong assertive personalities and discovered pretty quickly that we approach projects in very different ways; which naturally led to some heated ‘discussions’. So, whether assembling a new bike for the kids or painting the living room we pick a leader.

The real key is that once the leader has been picked, they’ve been picked and the other one follows their lead. We’re both extremely capable of just about any household project, we both go into a project with the same goal; the successful completion of it, so we both know going in the outcome will be what we want, so there really is no need to sweat the small stuff. When he’s the leader, I follow his lead completely and when I'm the leader, he follows mine. It took some practice the first few times, but now it’s natural. There’s no fighting, no discourse of any kind and soon enough the project is done and we’ve moved on to the next task.

When I was on the web searching earlier this year. Searching... for something I couldn't define, but something I knew was missing. I found domestic discipline and knew I'd found it. It hit me that I wanted to pick a leader for everything. I wanted him to be the leader of our marriage. We share the same goals for us and our family; to be happy, to be secure, to make each other happy, our little family (not the extended one) is most important. I trust him with my heart and with my life and with my happiness. Neither one of us needs to work so hard to keep the balance in tact; we don't need to sweat the small stuff.

For years, I spent a lot of time and energy making sure no one thought it was okay to tell me what to do; maybe especially him, certainly society as a whole. And together we've spent a lot of energy keeping our balance just right. But really, what was the point? So What. Who cares. No one believed it was true anyway. All that energy we spent for all those years, making sure we stayed true to an equal partnership. I don't think it was wasted, but we sure don't need to keep doing it.

All the fighting I did and the balancing we both did, making sure everyone knows I am strong enough and capable enough to do whatever I want - it never gave me time to relax, to enjoy what I was fighting for. I finally am strong enough. Strong enough to step back. Strong enough to be led.

I’m participating in this blog for me and me alone. To learn more about myself and where I fit in the world. Truly, I'm still a little bit in shock that I really do want this in my life, but I really do.

Kelly