Okay - I'm worth it

So, things are good with Dan and me again. He read my last blog post and that was followed by a back and forth email conversation that lasted late into the night. When all was said and done we're good. The next night he spanked me. It was, I think a general reminder spanking. He used a small leather paddle and then a wooden spatula, both of which were all sting (think 1,000 bee stings). I'm not sure if it was just the surface sting or the serious virgin butt, but I had a really, really hard time taking the spanking. To his serious credit, each time I stood up he just pushed me down and kept going. He told me he wanted me to feel it at least into the next day when he was not going to be home, but unfortunately the stinginess went away pretty quickly.

we talked a lot about spanking and what I want. I don't think we are yet on the same page with that, but I think we're a lot closer than we were. For it to be real and meaningful to me, I think I need it to be about something - I need it to be... I don't know the right word - a corrective action of some sort - closer to discipline than to stress relief. Spanking for the hell of it just doesn't make sense to me. But it's not like I'm this wild out of control crazy woman, so I think Dan has been struggling with the concept of why and when to spank. I believe he would be ready, willing and able to spank me if I were to do something awful; like maybe... I don't know, slap him across the face. But the likelihood that I would actually do that stands somewhere between slim and none.

There are, however, lots of things I do that bug Dan. I can be short and rude with him, I have been known to jump to the wrong and negative conclusions regarding what he says, I can get distant and withdraw into myself. I can be rude to people - particularly if I think they're stupid, I have no interest (read ability) in small talk - with him or anyone else for that matter, I leave the garage door opened - unfortunately the list could go on and on. Ideally for me, he will come up with a few of these things that I do that bother him and make them punishable. Of course, it also makes sense to me that there could be other things that could justify a spanking - a reminder that we are living like this - that he's in charge, because I didn't do something he asked me to, or I'm sure I could come up with many other reasons. Despite all I've written here, though, I don't want to be the one that decides the whys and the whens - I want him to decide - though I'm more than willing to give him as much input as he wants.

Overall, the conversation we had, the spanking he gave me, and the great sex we had afterwards have combined to give us the jump start I think we really needed, and to get us back to clicking on all levels - as he said... click, click, click.

Kelly

Stress

We have a lot of stresses going on these days. (Doesn't everyone?)

But they're all rolling around in my head and while I'm normally very... a 'I can still be happy when things suck' person.

But I have my limits.

I was stressed out beyond belief. So many things rolling around in my head that I couldn't hardly function. I was snapping at Thomas like you wouldn't believe. I literally was at the point where I just threw up my hands, said "I give up!", and crawled back in bed. It was a horrible day. Thomas was wonderful and cooked dinner and took care of things.

And at some point he decided I need a spanking.

As he is starting this spanking, I was fighting it all the way. I did not think I needed -nor did I want -a spanking. I said all kinds of horrid things as he was spanking away.

Every time I'd call him a name or reach back or generally anything he'd smack my thighs. Aye aye aye! That hurts. So when this one was over I had red butt and thighs! Usually I might only get one of those in a spanking for doing something I shouldn't but wow. I was in a mood!

Anyway, he's spanking away and he had told me it was for 15 minutes but as we were getting closer to the end he was saying "Clearly this isn't long enough" but then right about the 12th or 13th minute all the sudden a switch flipped in me and I just started to sob. It took me a few seconds to notice I wasn't fighting anymore and that I was crying.

He pulled me upright and then pulled me over to the recliner with him. And then he rocked me. I sobbed and sobbed and he rocked me.

Sometimes I just have so many walls up that I can't get my own emotions out. I needed release.

Nothing I was upset about is fixed but my ability to deal with these things is repaired for now.

I love him for giving me that.

Maybe I'm just not worth it...

So Dan says he's willing to do DD (whatever that means). And sometimes he even will.. I don't know.. act like he likes it. On some days it seems he likes being in charge, he trusts that I'm not going to suddenly freak out about it - it's easy and seamless - let's go this way and not that way, but on other days he seems... I don't know, wildly put upon, it's awful and draining that I would dare ask this of him. But the words he uses if I push him to use them are consistently - I'm totally willing, I'm not sure yet what it all means to which I answer neither am I, but I'm willing to see what I see and learn what I learn and we'll see what happens from there. Well great I think, let's see what happens. But you know what happens? Exactly nothing.

I've told him on more than one occasion that I want more spanking in my life. I've said in this blog which he's read - (well actually he said he skimmed it, which totally hurt my feelings so I don't actually know if he read those parts or not) - that I don't want to be spanked all the time, but I do want to know it's an actual option. With one exception I can think of I have initiated every single spanking we've ever had. He might disagree with that, but that's my opinion.

For me, that's not at all what I want or what I think I need. And while we've talked about that in specific detail and he's said he's wiling to do it... - nada. I need something of this to come from him, which on repeated occasions he's said he understands and can and will do. And I don't just mean the occasional list of things to do over the weekend, especially if he's not willing to give me more than minimal lip service about getting it completed. I literally can't remember the last time I was spanked. I know it was with the bath brush which he really liked and I thought was the most serious implement we'd used, but it was.. I just don't know... I was going to say two months ago, I just asked Melanie, who I had told about that spanking, and she said "oh man that was forever ago". Maybe it was more like 3 months ago.

Anyway - 2 months or 6 months, either one of them are not real to me, especially if they were my idea. I know that I can get him to spank me, probably fairly often, all I have to do is ask. But if it all comes from me, if the messages I hear from him loud and clear are.. "do you want me to spank you?" "is it okay if I spank you" "if you keep doing that, are you asking me to spank you?" it just isn't even remotely coming from him - it's me leading the charge, he's just along for the ride. I might as well be a self spanker and start producing self spanking videos. I'll review all the implements I own and let you know what I think. I'll become the spankos version of a journalism professor, I don't actually have to experience it, I'll just talk about it.... but I digress.

I struggled with what to do about this and decided to send him an article which was an answer to a question from a husband who had recently been asked to do DD. I know us, sometimes we have our best and most honest conversations by email or IM. He sent the article back to me with lots of comments and asked me to comment back which I did nearly a month ago. A couple of days after I sent my response, unprompted he said, I'm going to go down and respond to your responses so you'll have them tomorrow morning. He didn't do it, but the next morning he apologized and said he'd do it that evening - again this was unprompted and again he didn't do it, if he'd wanted to wait a while or just talk about it or whatever that would have been fine with me. But telling me you're going to do something and then not doing it, well I guess that's just ringing a big bell for me right now - I feel like I'm getting that a lot lately.

Then we had the worst sex of our lives and that tapped into all these other issues for me which are all issues that existed long before DD was ever a thought in my head. We lived in the Antarctic for a couple of weeks, barely talking to each other - much more roommates than spouses. This is not normal for us at all. We communicate really really well... usually. The issues that were tapped into had to do with me not being... paid attention to, heard, listened to.. something along those lines. Specifically because of the issues at hand, I really felt the ball was in his court, that this was the time he needed to step up and be responsible for the emotional health of our relationship and not just me, but he did nothing - ran away a few times, gave me space... all kinds of space. We were marching up to a pre-scheduled trip away for just the two of us and I was thinking - wow this should be fun (please hear the sarcasm). Finally I so couldn't imagine spending the time alone and away with him while we were still being polite roommates I took care of it and brought it up and made us have the conversation we needed to have. It got better and we went away and had a nice time reconnecting.

But... I don't know. Now another week has passed - and... he's not sent the email thingy though of course he's said he would, he's teased me relentlessly that he's "skimmed" this blog which I told him about while drunk and loving him away on our little trip. So despite the fact that I swore I'd never do it, I decided to try to bait him into spanking me. So all day yesterday I bugged him and pushed him and made comments and it seemed like it was working. I got a few more vigorous swats and some "just you waits" while we were out with friends. We didn't get home until 1am and we were both tired and went to bed. I started up again today and he said "you just want me to wail away on you don't you?" On the one hand - DUH! But on the other hand... the way he said it - it was with the same tone and look on his face that he might use if he'd said - you are a crazy loon, you just want to die your hair orange don't you? - I'm not explaining that well - it's not so much that he thinks I'm crazy, but more like - what a cute and endearing wacky part of my personality of which I have many.

That so turned me off, I can't even tell you. I know he'll probably read this, now that he put the RSS feed on his reader thingy, and I'm thinking he's going to read this and thing - wow, I didn't do a thing to get her mad at me - I can't win with her - I just don't know what she wants. Well if you are reading this Dan - I want you to do what you say you will do... here are some of his responses from our recent email conversation.

• To me, I have believed that for you, the spanking was an essential part of the DD for you. Accurate?
• I seem to have no rules for you. Would you like more rules?
• What do you need in order to have that "truly secure, warm wonderful feeling"
• Ok. I am ready for it. What do you want to test me with? Should I be doing the to do list for the weekend more specifically and hold you to it?
• I guess this is what I have seen as the stressbuster. But do you want a maintenance spanking if we go 2 weeks, or 3 weeks, or whatever?

Sure, all those comments are totally out of context here in this post, but each of them is in response to a particular section of the article I sent to him and they all suggest at least a minor understanding of what I'm looking for. I've answered all of his follow up questions, he knows my opinions on spanking and DD and about rules and what I think I need for that secure feeling and what I think about 2 weeks vs. 3 (which is sort of laughable at the moment)... but... nothing.

He says all this stuff, but it's just lip service - saying you're going to do something is so not the same thing as doing it, I wonder if he doesn't think I'll notice. I'm really not sure what to do now - I sort of feel like he doesn't think I'm worth his efforts.

Kelly

Contain Yourself

I can't put this anywhere but a non-vanilla blog and well... it made me laugh so I wanted to share.

Dan and I recently went into a Container Store which is a store full of storage and organizational things (they've got a great website if you've never heard of it). As we were about to walk in he got all serious and growly and said "I know this store might cause you multiple orgasms while you're walking around (as if) but I want you to contain yourself while we're in there." Okay that was funny, but what amused me much more was that when we checked out and they handed us a big shopping bag Dan started laughing and at my confused look he pointed to the bag and there along the side in 12" high letters it said "CONTAIN YOURSELF" and he said "see, they knew you were coming" and then he started laughing all over again at his pun.

Kelly

Subspace vs "insert catchy name"

First, yes - we're moving away from square one at a rapid pace. I'm sitting on a sore tush as proof positive of that!

But this leads me to my need for a "catchy title"...

So subspace is a catchy word and because I don't want to type out an explanation I'm going to assume everyone knows what that means. But I want word to describe the feeling I have after a spanking - a serious one like last night.

I just feel centered, calm, and submissive (I know that one is a loaded word).

I've seen people in stories used the word subspace to describe the feeling after a spanking but that means something totally different to me. That's that almost high, floaty, disconnected, I need help coming down from it feeling. And I don't mean subspace.

Help me out here. Do you know what I mean? Do you have a good word you use?

Or should I just keep saying I feel more "submissive"? Which is definitely true but doesn't quite encompass everything I'd like to express.

Thanks for any & all ideas!

Square 1 & Back again

Sorry about my lack of posting. No excuses. I'm just lame.

A while back I had a long list of posts I wanted to do. All these things seem so distant it's hard to focus on a single incident and post about it. Truly things were going forward in a way I felt like was really good for us! We're a really happy pair as is but I was really feeling so comfortable with the shift of power in our relationship. I had a few mental moments here and there that were something like "What? Seriously? WHY AM I DOING THIS?" but mostly I thought we were doing fabulously.

Then one day a few weeks ago we had a nasty fight. It started with a really awful day for him. He was stressed beyond his limits and needed some release. I made suggestions throughout the day of things he could do to relieve his stress - among the suggestions I offered to him a spanking for his stress relief. A thing I couldn't believe I was offering. "You can spank me to get your aggression out." (paraphrasing of course I was considerably more verbose than that)

He took none of these suggestions which caused me great frustration. Here he was this growing - ready to explode - ball of stress and he was doing nothing to try to alleviate it in a healthy way - along with a past history of picking fights when he's stressed - verbal fights that do damage to our relationship. I handled it really well all day I think - until about 11:45 pm when he woke back after sleeping about an hour and said I had a spanking coming. I thought - okay, he's going to relieve his stress on my butt. I can do this.

But no. He decided he couldn't do that. It didn't feel fair to him even though I offered. So what did he do to make it okay? He made up a reason. Well, he didn't invent the offensive. I had made some flippant remark. However, it was a remark that under normal circumstances would have warranted a few swats and a warning or nothing at all. No big deal. But since he really wanted to spank me for a long time he said it was going to be an hour. Still at least point I knew what was really going on and didn't say anything. I just decided for the health of us, I could do this.

And then he started lecturing me. Which unfortunately - or fortunately depending on how you look at it - he really excels at. In this situation it was unfortunate because he was ripping me up one side and down the other over NOTHING and I was sobbing. The spanking itself was no issue. But the lecture. Terrible. At 13 minutes, I stood up said THE word and went into the bathroom. But when I came back out all heck broke lose and we fought for the next 3 hours. The real details of which are unimportant but the result has not been good.

He felt awful when it was over because he'd done a thing that we had really overcome with DD. Picking a nasty fight when stressed - he gets to scream and yell and afterward he feels better stress-wise but there are pieces of us to pick up and put back together.

So I guess that's what we've been doing this last few weeks - a month maybe? - putting the pieces back together. This fight along with a lot of other major outside stresses means DD has just been... the only phrase I can think of is "in the toilet". Completely and utterly in the toilet.

So last night we had another talk about us and he actually brought up the fight. Basically what I gathered is that because of the mistakes he'd made in the situation he was not feeling "worthy" of his role as HOH so was no longer doing it.

What am I to do about that I just don't know. But he said last night that he would get back to it because it was clearly a better way for us, for our marriage.

So today there have been a lot of mini-spankings. But *I* if am even going to come close to feeling as "submissive" as I had been feeling it's gonna take more than mini/fun spankings. A lot more.

So what am I saying here?

As good as everything was a month ago with DD, 6 months ago even - it's that much of a mess now. I feel like we're at square 1.

With all this previous experience I'm at least hopeful we'll move from square 1 more quickly.

A girl can hope, right?

Sometimes this is so much work.