Maybe I'm just not worth it...

So Dan says he's willing to do DD (whatever that means). And sometimes he even will.. I don't know.. act like he likes it. On some days it seems he likes being in charge, he trusts that I'm not going to suddenly freak out about it - it's easy and seamless - let's go this way and not that way, but on other days he seems... I don't know, wildly put upon, it's awful and draining that I would dare ask this of him. But the words he uses if I push him to use them are consistently - I'm totally willing, I'm not sure yet what it all means to which I answer neither am I, but I'm willing to see what I see and learn what I learn and we'll see what happens from there. Well great I think, let's see what happens. But you know what happens? Exactly nothing.

I've told him on more than one occasion that I want more spanking in my life. I've said in this blog which he's read - (well actually he said he skimmed it, which totally hurt my feelings so I don't actually know if he read those parts or not) - that I don't want to be spanked all the time, but I do want to know it's an actual option. With one exception I can think of I have initiated every single spanking we've ever had. He might disagree with that, but that's my opinion.

For me, that's not at all what I want or what I think I need. And while we've talked about that in specific detail and he's said he's wiling to do it... - nada. I need something of this to come from him, which on repeated occasions he's said he understands and can and will do. And I don't just mean the occasional list of things to do over the weekend, especially if he's not willing to give me more than minimal lip service about getting it completed. I literally can't remember the last time I was spanked. I know it was with the bath brush which he really liked and I thought was the most serious implement we'd used, but it was.. I just don't know... I was going to say two months ago, I just asked Melanie, who I had told about that spanking, and she said "oh man that was forever ago". Maybe it was more like 3 months ago.

Anyway - 2 months or 6 months, either one of them are not real to me, especially if they were my idea. I know that I can get him to spank me, probably fairly often, all I have to do is ask. But if it all comes from me, if the messages I hear from him loud and clear are.. "do you want me to spank you?" "is it okay if I spank you" "if you keep doing that, are you asking me to spank you?" it just isn't even remotely coming from him - it's me leading the charge, he's just along for the ride. I might as well be a self spanker and start producing self spanking videos. I'll review all the implements I own and let you know what I think. I'll become the spankos version of a journalism professor, I don't actually have to experience it, I'll just talk about it.... but I digress.

I struggled with what to do about this and decided to send him an article which was an answer to a question from a husband who had recently been asked to do DD. I know us, sometimes we have our best and most honest conversations by email or IM. He sent the article back to me with lots of comments and asked me to comment back which I did nearly a month ago. A couple of days after I sent my response, unprompted he said, I'm going to go down and respond to your responses so you'll have them tomorrow morning. He didn't do it, but the next morning he apologized and said he'd do it that evening - again this was unprompted and again he didn't do it, if he'd wanted to wait a while or just talk about it or whatever that would have been fine with me. But telling me you're going to do something and then not doing it, well I guess that's just ringing a big bell for me right now - I feel like I'm getting that a lot lately.

Then we had the worst sex of our lives and that tapped into all these other issues for me which are all issues that existed long before DD was ever a thought in my head. We lived in the Antarctic for a couple of weeks, barely talking to each other - much more roommates than spouses. This is not normal for us at all. We communicate really really well... usually. The issues that were tapped into had to do with me not being... paid attention to, heard, listened to.. something along those lines. Specifically because of the issues at hand, I really felt the ball was in his court, that this was the time he needed to step up and be responsible for the emotional health of our relationship and not just me, but he did nothing - ran away a few times, gave me space... all kinds of space. We were marching up to a pre-scheduled trip away for just the two of us and I was thinking - wow this should be fun (please hear the sarcasm). Finally I so couldn't imagine spending the time alone and away with him while we were still being polite roommates I took care of it and brought it up and made us have the conversation we needed to have. It got better and we went away and had a nice time reconnecting.

But... I don't know. Now another week has passed - and... he's not sent the email thingy though of course he's said he would, he's teased me relentlessly that he's "skimmed" this blog which I told him about while drunk and loving him away on our little trip. So despite the fact that I swore I'd never do it, I decided to try to bait him into spanking me. So all day yesterday I bugged him and pushed him and made comments and it seemed like it was working. I got a few more vigorous swats and some "just you waits" while we were out with friends. We didn't get home until 1am and we were both tired and went to bed. I started up again today and he said "you just want me to wail away on you don't you?" On the one hand - DUH! But on the other hand... the way he said it - it was with the same tone and look on his face that he might use if he'd said - you are a crazy loon, you just want to die your hair orange don't you? - I'm not explaining that well - it's not so much that he thinks I'm crazy, but more like - what a cute and endearing wacky part of my personality of which I have many.

That so turned me off, I can't even tell you. I know he'll probably read this, now that he put the RSS feed on his reader thingy, and I'm thinking he's going to read this and thing - wow, I didn't do a thing to get her mad at me - I can't win with her - I just don't know what she wants. Well if you are reading this Dan - I want you to do what you say you will do... here are some of his responses from our recent email conversation.

• To me, I have believed that for you, the spanking was an essential part of the DD for you. Accurate?
• I seem to have no rules for you. Would you like more rules?
• What do you need in order to have that "truly secure, warm wonderful feeling"
• Ok. I am ready for it. What do you want to test me with? Should I be doing the to do list for the weekend more specifically and hold you to it?
• I guess this is what I have seen as the stressbuster. But do you want a maintenance spanking if we go 2 weeks, or 3 weeks, or whatever?

Sure, all those comments are totally out of context here in this post, but each of them is in response to a particular section of the article I sent to him and they all suggest at least a minor understanding of what I'm looking for. I've answered all of his follow up questions, he knows my opinions on spanking and DD and about rules and what I think I need for that secure feeling and what I think about 2 weeks vs. 3 (which is sort of laughable at the moment)... but... nothing.

He says all this stuff, but it's just lip service - saying you're going to do something is so not the same thing as doing it, I wonder if he doesn't think I'll notice. I'm really not sure what to do now - I sort of feel like he doesn't think I'm worth his efforts.

Kelly