Square 1 & Back again

Sorry about my lack of posting. No excuses. I'm just lame.

A while back I had a long list of posts I wanted to do. All these things seem so distant it's hard to focus on a single incident and post about it. Truly things were going forward in a way I felt like was really good for us! We're a really happy pair as is but I was really feeling so comfortable with the shift of power in our relationship. I had a few mental moments here and there that were something like "What? Seriously? WHY AM I DOING THIS?" but mostly I thought we were doing fabulously.

Then one day a few weeks ago we had a nasty fight. It started with a really awful day for him. He was stressed beyond his limits and needed some release. I made suggestions throughout the day of things he could do to relieve his stress - among the suggestions I offered to him a spanking for his stress relief. A thing I couldn't believe I was offering. "You can spank me to get your aggression out." (paraphrasing of course I was considerably more verbose than that)

He took none of these suggestions which caused me great frustration. Here he was this growing - ready to explode - ball of stress and he was doing nothing to try to alleviate it in a healthy way - along with a past history of picking fights when he's stressed - verbal fights that do damage to our relationship. I handled it really well all day I think - until about 11:45 pm when he woke back after sleeping about an hour and said I had a spanking coming. I thought - okay, he's going to relieve his stress on my butt. I can do this.

But no. He decided he couldn't do that. It didn't feel fair to him even though I offered. So what did he do to make it okay? He made up a reason. Well, he didn't invent the offensive. I had made some flippant remark. However, it was a remark that under normal circumstances would have warranted a few swats and a warning or nothing at all. No big deal. But since he really wanted to spank me for a long time he said it was going to be an hour. Still at least point I knew what was really going on and didn't say anything. I just decided for the health of us, I could do this.

And then he started lecturing me. Which unfortunately - or fortunately depending on how you look at it - he really excels at. In this situation it was unfortunate because he was ripping me up one side and down the other over NOTHING and I was sobbing. The spanking itself was no issue. But the lecture. Terrible. At 13 minutes, I stood up said THE word and went into the bathroom. But when I came back out all heck broke lose and we fought for the next 3 hours. The real details of which are unimportant but the result has not been good.

He felt awful when it was over because he'd done a thing that we had really overcome with DD. Picking a nasty fight when stressed - he gets to scream and yell and afterward he feels better stress-wise but there are pieces of us to pick up and put back together.

So I guess that's what we've been doing this last few weeks - a month maybe? - putting the pieces back together. This fight along with a lot of other major outside stresses means DD has just been... the only phrase I can think of is "in the toilet". Completely and utterly in the toilet.

So last night we had another talk about us and he actually brought up the fight. Basically what I gathered is that because of the mistakes he'd made in the situation he was not feeling "worthy" of his role as HOH so was no longer doing it.

What am I to do about that I just don't know. But he said last night that he would get back to it because it was clearly a better way for us, for our marriage.

So today there have been a lot of mini-spankings. But *I* if am even going to come close to feeling as "submissive" as I had been feeling it's gonna take more than mini/fun spankings. A lot more.

So what am I saying here?

As good as everything was a month ago with DD, 6 months ago even - it's that much of a mess now. I feel like we're at square 1.

With all this previous experience I'm at least hopeful we'll move from square 1 more quickly.

A girl can hope, right?

Sometimes this is so much work.