Maslow's Hierarchy

So the last few months - maybe even 6 or 8 months - DD has just been barely existing in this house. As I mentioned the last time I posted (which was in May! I'm so lame.) we've had a lot of life stresses lately. This economy has effected my husband's job very badly. As of last week or so things are looking up, he's working steady and things are great! This is a huge relief, of course.

But while all of this has been going on, I was very frustrated that our DD was just gone. Slowly but surely disappeared. *poof*

And things start to get better at work and suddenly two days later Thomas is being all HOHy and saying DD things. And all I can think is, "What in the world?!?!" And frankly it made me mad. I felt abandoned when the DD died and to suddenly have it back because he was happy about work really made me feel.... secondary I guess is the best word.

So today while I'm showering, I'm thinking. (It's a good place to think. No one is usually talking to me - at least not steadily. My child came in three times to ask for things! lol) Anyway, I was thinking about the switch and then I started thinking about Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

Don't think I'm crazy. Just stick with me here.

So first there's the basics on that chart. The first level we still had. The 2nd - Safety, yes. Security, definitely not! The 3rd level, yes. The 4th? His self-esteem was shot - not supporting his family in the manner he's used to was driving him crazy. He was getting so depressed. I had to - in fact - kind of take control of our life and give him things to get done and activities to keep busy with so he didn't sit and go stir crazy.

As we got further and further from having had security, the worse it got. Actually, at first it was like he was more focused on DD but as time went on - not so much.

And really I think DD - in the realm of relationship ideals - goes in that top level. It's not just function as a couple... DD gives us a system by which to function in harmony.

Without all the other things it just came toppling down around us. I think certainly it withstands normal life stresses but unemployment type situations are not normal.

Everything is okay now at work and it seems to already be reappearing.

I just thought the thought itself was interesting. I bet Maslow wasn't thinking about DD or spanking, eh?

I wish I'd had this thought before we went through this last year or so. Maybe the next time some major life thing throws us for a loop I'll be better prepared for our reactions to it DD-wise.

That intangible connection

Dan and I get along so wonderfully well - it's just easy. We truly like each other. That said we'd been distant from each other. Life just got in the way. He had a heavy travel schedule for work, the kids were running us in opposite directions, then a project he works on got some bad reviews and even though he had no control whatsoever on the parts that people didn't like he took it very personally and sort of retreated into himself. I knew he needed the space and I did my best to give it to him, but still... we weren't a unit - we were two people living in the same house getting done what needed to get done.

I was lonely. I was missing him. It effected both of us. We just weren't us, we weren't fighting exactly, but we were distant and separate. It had been gradual, but it was there and it just didn't feel good - we just weren't connected anymore. We were still going through motions, but we were laughing a lot less and smiling less and just... life wasn't as rich.

The tension was getting to me and I did some things I wasn't proud of and ultimately confessed to him via email. I chose email because I knew that would give him the time and space he'd need to digest what I was telling him and for him to decide how to deal with it. The odd thing for me was that just hitting send on the email made me feel closer to him, almost like the world was falling back into place.

The next night he spanked. Hard. I could go into the spanking, but I won't - the point here is - since he's spanked - really since he got home and we were both awake the next day even before he spanked - we've been connected again. We've been laughing and joking and easy again. I don't know what it is exactly. Is it that I had to be honest and vulnerable to confess my sins? or to lay there and be spanked? Or is it just that we were paying attention to each other again... me to what I did and how it effected him and him to dealing with me and letting me know he wasn't happy with what I did. I really don't know - but what I do know is that we are back to being us again. The laughter is back, the comfort is back, the easy is back, we are back.

I think maybe that a spanking; both the giving of it and the receiving of it is an intimate act that forces you both to be totally focused on each other and maybe it's that focus that solidified our being back. If I have to deal with a week of sitting a bit uncomfortably and some serious bruises - well that is a really such a small price to pay for such a big and valuable thing. I love my husband.

Kelly

Making it Real

Melanie and I had an IM conversation the other day and afterwards we both thought it would make a good blog post. We'd love to hear what others might think of our line of thinking....

Kelly: I think the authority isn't "real".. It still feels very much like I am doing all the pulling instead of there being more a balance of my pull and his push. I am choosing to follow, which of course will always be the case, but... until he really leads, truly asserts his authority and I’m confident that authority is real and not just a game, or not just because Kelly told me to do it, then it will continue to feel one sided. I would guess it will take time and consistency and probably a punishment or maybe more than one, that pushes me beyond my limits, past where he knew he was causing me real pain for me to gain confidence that he’s pushing as much as I’m pulling.

Until then, on some level it feels not quite like a game, but... like we are playing at something - not sure how to say this and I’m truly not unhappy at all, I think we're heading there... but this is something I’ve been mulling over in the past week or so.

Melanie: I think it is frustrating. You can’t make them own it or it's not them really owning it. It's a kind of powerless stage because you want it to move forward but you can't move it forward. He has to. Unless there is some way I don't know.

Kelly: I agree and really I'm not complaining or unhappy, this is just something that has recently occurred to me. Along with what I now think is one of the main reasons I started this in the first place which is I think wanting or maybe needing a really grounded and specific and tangible way to know he's paying attention to me. I really think it all traces back to that which is surprising at the least to think that is part of why, but I think it is.

I've spent time trying to understand why I wanted this, but have really not known the reason, only known that it felt totally and completely right, that my gut was screaming at me to go this way, but I think that's it and so then... now that I'm (for the moment) fairly comfortable that we're on this path, whatever it might be, I've been thinking about that thing that will make what I was looking for to begin with - be true. And that's when he's not just doing it because he thinks that's what I want today, where he's ready to change and do something different if that’s what I want tomorrow.

Of course, this totally flies in the face of what I used to think about this. I used to read of others not happy that their husbands’ were doing this “just because they asked them to” and I’d always think, in fact I’m sure I’ve told Dan this, that that was ridiculous. That there is no reason in the world that my husband/ or anyone else's doing something just because it makes me happy could be a bad thing. And no, it's not a bad thing, not ever. In a marriage you both do things just because it makes your spouse happy and there’s nothing wrong with that and his motives don't make the actions any less valid, but now I think I get what people where saying.

I still think that’s all true, but I’m not sure it’s as relevant for this particular issue. I think until his motives are personal, then it matters. Until he really owns it, until he is truly confident enough to push me, Until I knew confidently that he would stand up to me and maybe that will take a few painful punishments that are more then him watching the clock and worrying that he is crossing the line, then it's still very much my thing and not his. And until then I will not be getting the thing I think I'm looking for which is a concrete way to know he's paying attention.

Right now I have a concrete way to know he's currently listening to me and acting on what I'm asking him to do, but not a concrete way to know he’s actually paying attention and I think that’s different enough to matter.

Melanie: I do see the difference - and I think it is different enough to matter but alas, I want the paying attention too - not just the listening. Is that wrong? Should the listening be enough?

Kelly: to you... what is the difference between the listening and the paying attention to, give me an example.

Melanie: it's like the difference between going for awhile with no spanking and me saying "I want a spanking" and him giving it. OR him saying "you haven't had a spanking in awhile, we should have one tonight" and following through

Kelly: so if he comes up with the idea that's him paying attention, if he does as you've asked, that's him listening

Melanie: ya

Kelly: So no I don’t' think that's bad, I think that's it exactly. If I could, for a moment, project my thoughts/feelings on to you... if you could concretely count on Thomas to come up with it on his own for the most part, it would be perfectly fine if on this particular day or at this particular moment he didn't and you had to ask but without the real confidence on your part that he really is paying attention, that this and thus *you* are a priority - something important enough to pay attention to, then it's not enough

Melanie: that's exactly what I told him the other night. I just think that's him being AWARE of our relationship and wanting to take care of it the way he takes care of other things in his life. We've had a talk two nights in a row and they’ve both been very good; yesterday was great actually. But low in behold if he doesn't threaten and act HOHy all day - even threatened me in front of my parents (which made them laugh hysterically), and then we get home and crawl in bed and nothing. The man was whining about how his back hurt and when I sighed at one point he was all whiny "are you mad at me?" and I was like “who the heck ARE you?” and we talked for a minute and then suddenly I was face down and getting spanked BUT that was him listening not him pay attention. If you're going to threaten all day FOLLOW THROUGH.

Kelly: Right, but if the confidence had already been established it just wouldn't be that big of a deal if he came home and on this particular night he was too tired to follow through because you would know that he'd do it first thing in the morning or whatever. And yes I totally agree - that's him listening and not him paying attention.

Okay - I'm worth it

So, things are good with Dan and me again. He read my last blog post and that was followed by a back and forth email conversation that lasted late into the night. When all was said and done we're good. The next night he spanked me. It was, I think a general reminder spanking. He used a small leather paddle and then a wooden spatula, both of which were all sting (think 1,000 bee stings). I'm not sure if it was just the surface sting or the serious virgin butt, but I had a really, really hard time taking the spanking. To his serious credit, each time I stood up he just pushed me down and kept going. He told me he wanted me to feel it at least into the next day when he was not going to be home, but unfortunately the stinginess went away pretty quickly.

we talked a lot about spanking and what I want. I don't think we are yet on the same page with that, but I think we're a lot closer than we were. For it to be real and meaningful to me, I think I need it to be about something - I need it to be... I don't know the right word - a corrective action of some sort - closer to discipline than to stress relief. Spanking for the hell of it just doesn't make sense to me. But it's not like I'm this wild out of control crazy woman, so I think Dan has been struggling with the concept of why and when to spank. I believe he would be ready, willing and able to spank me if I were to do something awful; like maybe... I don't know, slap him across the face. But the likelihood that I would actually do that stands somewhere between slim and none.

There are, however, lots of things I do that bug Dan. I can be short and rude with him, I have been known to jump to the wrong and negative conclusions regarding what he says, I can get distant and withdraw into myself. I can be rude to people - particularly if I think they're stupid, I have no interest (read ability) in small talk - with him or anyone else for that matter, I leave the garage door opened - unfortunately the list could go on and on. Ideally for me, he will come up with a few of these things that I do that bother him and make them punishable. Of course, it also makes sense to me that there could be other things that could justify a spanking - a reminder that we are living like this - that he's in charge, because I didn't do something he asked me to, or I'm sure I could come up with many other reasons. Despite all I've written here, though, I don't want to be the one that decides the whys and the whens - I want him to decide - though I'm more than willing to give him as much input as he wants.

Overall, the conversation we had, the spanking he gave me, and the great sex we had afterwards have combined to give us the jump start I think we really needed, and to get us back to clicking on all levels - as he said... click, click, click.

Kelly

Stress

We have a lot of stresses going on these days. (Doesn't everyone?)

But they're all rolling around in my head and while I'm normally very... a 'I can still be happy when things suck' person.

But I have my limits.

I was stressed out beyond belief. So many things rolling around in my head that I couldn't hardly function. I was snapping at Thomas like you wouldn't believe. I literally was at the point where I just threw up my hands, said "I give up!", and crawled back in bed. It was a horrible day. Thomas was wonderful and cooked dinner and took care of things.

And at some point he decided I need a spanking.

As he is starting this spanking, I was fighting it all the way. I did not think I needed -nor did I want -a spanking. I said all kinds of horrid things as he was spanking away.

Every time I'd call him a name or reach back or generally anything he'd smack my thighs. Aye aye aye! That hurts. So when this one was over I had red butt and thighs! Usually I might only get one of those in a spanking for doing something I shouldn't but wow. I was in a mood!

Anyway, he's spanking away and he had told me it was for 15 minutes but as we were getting closer to the end he was saying "Clearly this isn't long enough" but then right about the 12th or 13th minute all the sudden a switch flipped in me and I just started to sob. It took me a few seconds to notice I wasn't fighting anymore and that I was crying.

He pulled me upright and then pulled me over to the recliner with him. And then he rocked me. I sobbed and sobbed and he rocked me.

Sometimes I just have so many walls up that I can't get my own emotions out. I needed release.

Nothing I was upset about is fixed but my ability to deal with these things is repaired for now.

I love him for giving me that.

Maybe I'm just not worth it...

So Dan says he's willing to do DD (whatever that means). And sometimes he even will.. I don't know.. act like he likes it. On some days it seems he likes being in charge, he trusts that I'm not going to suddenly freak out about it - it's easy and seamless - let's go this way and not that way, but on other days he seems... I don't know, wildly put upon, it's awful and draining that I would dare ask this of him. But the words he uses if I push him to use them are consistently - I'm totally willing, I'm not sure yet what it all means to which I answer neither am I, but I'm willing to see what I see and learn what I learn and we'll see what happens from there. Well great I think, let's see what happens. But you know what happens? Exactly nothing.

I've told him on more than one occasion that I want more spanking in my life. I've said in this blog which he's read - (well actually he said he skimmed it, which totally hurt my feelings so I don't actually know if he read those parts or not) - that I don't want to be spanked all the time, but I do want to know it's an actual option. With one exception I can think of I have initiated every single spanking we've ever had. He might disagree with that, but that's my opinion.

For me, that's not at all what I want or what I think I need. And while we've talked about that in specific detail and he's said he's wiling to do it... - nada. I need something of this to come from him, which on repeated occasions he's said he understands and can and will do. And I don't just mean the occasional list of things to do over the weekend, especially if he's not willing to give me more than minimal lip service about getting it completed. I literally can't remember the last time I was spanked. I know it was with the bath brush which he really liked and I thought was the most serious implement we'd used, but it was.. I just don't know... I was going to say two months ago, I just asked Melanie, who I had told about that spanking, and she said "oh man that was forever ago". Maybe it was more like 3 months ago.

Anyway - 2 months or 6 months, either one of them are not real to me, especially if they were my idea. I know that I can get him to spank me, probably fairly often, all I have to do is ask. But if it all comes from me, if the messages I hear from him loud and clear are.. "do you want me to spank you?" "is it okay if I spank you" "if you keep doing that, are you asking me to spank you?" it just isn't even remotely coming from him - it's me leading the charge, he's just along for the ride. I might as well be a self spanker and start producing self spanking videos. I'll review all the implements I own and let you know what I think. I'll become the spankos version of a journalism professor, I don't actually have to experience it, I'll just talk about it.... but I digress.

I struggled with what to do about this and decided to send him an article which was an answer to a question from a husband who had recently been asked to do DD. I know us, sometimes we have our best and most honest conversations by email or IM. He sent the article back to me with lots of comments and asked me to comment back which I did nearly a month ago. A couple of days after I sent my response, unprompted he said, I'm going to go down and respond to your responses so you'll have them tomorrow morning. He didn't do it, but the next morning he apologized and said he'd do it that evening - again this was unprompted and again he didn't do it, if he'd wanted to wait a while or just talk about it or whatever that would have been fine with me. But telling me you're going to do something and then not doing it, well I guess that's just ringing a big bell for me right now - I feel like I'm getting that a lot lately.

Then we had the worst sex of our lives and that tapped into all these other issues for me which are all issues that existed long before DD was ever a thought in my head. We lived in the Antarctic for a couple of weeks, barely talking to each other - much more roommates than spouses. This is not normal for us at all. We communicate really really well... usually. The issues that were tapped into had to do with me not being... paid attention to, heard, listened to.. something along those lines. Specifically because of the issues at hand, I really felt the ball was in his court, that this was the time he needed to step up and be responsible for the emotional health of our relationship and not just me, but he did nothing - ran away a few times, gave me space... all kinds of space. We were marching up to a pre-scheduled trip away for just the two of us and I was thinking - wow this should be fun (please hear the sarcasm). Finally I so couldn't imagine spending the time alone and away with him while we were still being polite roommates I took care of it and brought it up and made us have the conversation we needed to have. It got better and we went away and had a nice time reconnecting.

But... I don't know. Now another week has passed - and... he's not sent the email thingy though of course he's said he would, he's teased me relentlessly that he's "skimmed" this blog which I told him about while drunk and loving him away on our little trip. So despite the fact that I swore I'd never do it, I decided to try to bait him into spanking me. So all day yesterday I bugged him and pushed him and made comments and it seemed like it was working. I got a few more vigorous swats and some "just you waits" while we were out with friends. We didn't get home until 1am and we were both tired and went to bed. I started up again today and he said "you just want me to wail away on you don't you?" On the one hand - DUH! But on the other hand... the way he said it - it was with the same tone and look on his face that he might use if he'd said - you are a crazy loon, you just want to die your hair orange don't you? - I'm not explaining that well - it's not so much that he thinks I'm crazy, but more like - what a cute and endearing wacky part of my personality of which I have many.

That so turned me off, I can't even tell you. I know he'll probably read this, now that he put the RSS feed on his reader thingy, and I'm thinking he's going to read this and thing - wow, I didn't do a thing to get her mad at me - I can't win with her - I just don't know what she wants. Well if you are reading this Dan - I want you to do what you say you will do... here are some of his responses from our recent email conversation.

• To me, I have believed that for you, the spanking was an essential part of the DD for you. Accurate?
• I seem to have no rules for you. Would you like more rules?
• What do you need in order to have that "truly secure, warm wonderful feeling"
• Ok. I am ready for it. What do you want to test me with? Should I be doing the to do list for the weekend more specifically and hold you to it?
• I guess this is what I have seen as the stressbuster. But do you want a maintenance spanking if we go 2 weeks, or 3 weeks, or whatever?

Sure, all those comments are totally out of context here in this post, but each of them is in response to a particular section of the article I sent to him and they all suggest at least a minor understanding of what I'm looking for. I've answered all of his follow up questions, he knows my opinions on spanking and DD and about rules and what I think I need for that secure feeling and what I think about 2 weeks vs. 3 (which is sort of laughable at the moment)... but... nothing.

He says all this stuff, but it's just lip service - saying you're going to do something is so not the same thing as doing it, I wonder if he doesn't think I'll notice. I'm really not sure what to do now - I sort of feel like he doesn't think I'm worth his efforts.

Kelly

Contain Yourself

I can't put this anywhere but a non-vanilla blog and well... it made me laugh so I wanted to share.

Dan and I recently went into a Container Store which is a store full of storage and organizational things (they've got a great website if you've never heard of it). As we were about to walk in he got all serious and growly and said "I know this store might cause you multiple orgasms while you're walking around (as if) but I want you to contain yourself while we're in there." Okay that was funny, but what amused me much more was that when we checked out and they handed us a big shopping bag Dan started laughing and at my confused look he pointed to the bag and there along the side in 12" high letters it said "CONTAIN YOURSELF" and he said "see, they knew you were coming" and then he started laughing all over again at his pun.

Kelly