My turn to AAAAAHHHHH

In my stocking this Christmas morning was a three pack of big wooden spoons and a thick wooden spatula. That's four wooden "cooking" utensils. I don't cook.

My 8 year old said... uh mom, it looks like all you got was a bunch of cooking things. I know my face was burning red as Dan stared knowingly at me and told our son "your mom has really taken an interest in 'cooking' this past year. I'm really not sure what I think about this.

An experiment towards letting down the walls

I know I want the emotional release that I believe I will get from a spanking at some point in the future. But before I can get there a bunch of things need to happen. I'm completely confident I don't know what half of them are.

But I think I know a few. Dan needs to own this in a way that is meaningful to me. Right now that's not the case. He owns giving me swats here and there around the house when he wants me to do something or stop doing something and I'm really happy about that. Our spankings though, he doesn't own them yet. He is closer now than he used to be, but they are still not something he owns. He'll do them, but it usually requires a bit of a prompt - like my giving him something DD related to read, or something along those lines. Also, I think the spankings must have some sort of ritual that I fully buy into to help me get into the right mindset so that I am open to the emotions, and really a lot of that will probably come from his ownership, we'll see.

But today's post is about the length and strength of a spanking because another thing that I'm pretty sure I'll need is a spanking that is long and hard enough to allow me the 'time and space' (whatever that means) to let down my guard. Mind you, that could possibly take a few hours, but hopefully not. And so far my spankings have touched on 'hard' but have definitely not been long enough. They are usually about 5 minutes long. If I had to guess, I'd say he watches the clock. He's a scientist so he always has a plan. A friend of mine suggested that I ask Dan to do an experiment - for him to go for 10 minutes with the first half being at a medium intensity and the 2nd half being hard.

He was willing and agreed as long as I promised to tell him if I'd had enough. He always asks me what he should use (this is part of the ownership thing I was talking about) and I thought it would be a good idea to use a new long wooden thingy that someone sent to me when I lost a bet (note to self; this was maybe not the best time to try out a new implement, especially one made of wood). I also always take down my clothes and this time decided to keep my underwear in place. Part of me was hoping he'd take them down as I feel that will do something to me mentally, but I couldn't quite get myself to tell him to do it, so my underwear stayed in place throughout, which added more of a thuddy feeling which I prefer.

It was my intention to try my best to stay in position and just "feel", just absorb the pain. Over I went and he began pretty lightly. We've talked about warming me up, so he's pretty good about that. He watched the clock very closely and gave me progress reports... "you are about 5 minutes in, you doing okay?", that kind of thing. But true to the experiment, once he made it to a medium/hard intensity he stayed there until 5 minutes had passed and then he got harder. I believe he continued slowly getting harder for the next few minutes. The implement in question is pretty long so he was really getting one side more than the other and boy oh boy by the end it was really hurting, but he had done a really good job of building it up slowly. I did a good job of just staying in position and 'taking' it, which was good for me to know I could do. I'm not sure how that might change if I was feeling guilty about something, but still it's good to know I could do it.

The spanking wasn't for anything in particular. He said it was for stress relief and also because I was rude to a man at the mall and I was in fact really stressed and I was in fact rude to the guy at the mall, but I'm often rude to people because I'm just bad with people, which totally bothers me, but this one didn't even make my rude radar. So I wasn't feeling badly about anything. It added to the clinical feel of the experiment we were conducting. By the end, it was really hard to take each swat. I kept thinking, I can't take it, I have to stop, but I'd manage to take the next one until finally, I really couldn't take anymore and I asked him to stop. He said, just a few more and then we will. I was thrilled that he said that - good for him.

I was more bruised than I've ever been at any time in my life. My ass was quite literally black. No other colors, just black. And it hurt the next day, but 2 days later, it hurt so much more. Luckily Dan was away on business so he didn't have to see my butt. I'm really not sure what I or he for that matter learned from this experiment, but it feels like it was a good thing to do. I guess we both know that I can take it much harder then he has been giving it to me, and I think that's a good thing. (I know I will come to regret those words in the future).

Kelly

AHH!

Thomas has added so many "spankable offensives" today (mostly joking). I finally said "What's next? 5 swats for every breath I take?"

He said, "start counting."

See? The waxing & waning. For weeks hardly anything - and now I've had so many quick spankings today I've lost count!

Remembering to be patient - thank's Melanie

Melanie's post was just what I needed to hear. Not the waxing and waning part, though I completely and utterly agree with her and won't be surprised if I need her to give me a bit of a kick in the pants in the future because I've forgotten that the ebbs and flows of life don't stop short of the door to dd.

The part that was so perfect for me was when she said "you MUST be patient and let them find their own rhythm with spanking" Dan and I are newer than Melanie and Thomas are to this lifesyle and Dan didn't take to it right away. He's always been willing, but his style for all new things, not just this wild ass change in our relationship, is to be methodical, try it out, think about it, mull it over, think some more, pay attention.... then decide and commit. He's even gone so far as to tell me straight out that this is going to be a thing for him, just exactly like him deciding he was ready to have our first child, or that he was ready to buy our first house. For both of those things he needed enough time to think and mull and process before he decided. I knew how he'd decide and made plans accordingly, but he needed to get there all by himself and I was happy, if impatient, to give him that time.

I know dd is no different. I have been doing my level best to let him make it his and to own it on his own schedule, and he is - slowly, but he is. I give him positive feedback. I don't hide the fact that I am interested, but I also try really hard not to push him. Our styles are so very much different on how we approach things, that sometimes it's hard for me to remember and I get frustrated and impatient. The suspense is killing me, I mean seriously killing me... How will it be - can I take it, how will I feel (physically and emotionally), will it still be what I think I want - when he truly decides?

So Melanie - thanks for reminding me to be patient. I think I needed that.

Kelly

Waxing & Waning

So on forums and blogs about DD relationships, I read a lot of people in the cycle - the one where spankings are happening all the time and then suddenly there are no spankings and life is busy. People get so worked up over this cycle. Often people seem to forget with each downturn that an upturn will come. At least, in my experience, it always comes again. For weeks, there hasn't been much action around here - a swat here, a swat there. But it doesn't get me worked up - as it always does - here it is again.

A couple of days ago the occasional swats were increasing in frequency... This morning as I'm trying to get my dear husband to move it along & get our morning started I smacked HIS butt to get him out of the bed. The next thing I know - and I'm not quite sure how it happened - I was face down on the bed, bent over the side, and getting a quick spanking that left my butt burning for quite awhile afterward!

He wasn't angry at all of course but on his own he always realizes it's been too long. And I know that's it because while he's doing that this morning he's saying "Are we in need of a who's who spanking? Have you forgotten who does that spanking around here?" And me yelling back, "Ow. I remember! I remember!" If I try to force these upturns to happen it's much less effective. If I want him to be the HOH of our house, I need to let him.

I think that - once you show your spouse that this works; that spankings are effective - they make life better for the two of you, etc. You MUST be patient and let them find their own rhythm with spanking. Thomas took to this quickly in the beginning and I swear I was getting spanked - hard - 24 hours a day. It got to the point where I finally said "I think you are only touching me when you are spanking me these days!" And then we've had periods where there was hardly any spanking...

And on & on the cycle goes.

I guess what I want to say (in my random rambling way), is that it's NORMAL. The cycle is normal.

Every part of life is that way - especially in marriage. How close you are comes and goes. How much you fight comes and goes. DD is no exception.

I know in that initial phase - when DD is new - it's a panicky feeling during that phase if there's no spanking for awhile. But don't panic. And don't pressure him.

While spanking may make us feel loved - how often you are getting spanked is NOT a measure of how much you are loved.

Emotions for the non-emotional

The toughest thing about this whole thing has been the emotions. When I was a kid I was overly sensitive, or at least that's what my mom always told me. I learned at a very early age to keep my emotions locked up tight in order to keep me safe and sound. Since then I've always had a more traditionally "male" emotional side. I'm very even tempered; calm in an emergency, steady as a rock.... And then came DD.

Man oh man. This emotional shit is for the birds. Just following his lead created the cracks in the walls around my heart. It's not that I'm a cold person; it's just that I don't let things get 'in'. Dan for years has had the one and only key to the big, heavy, steel door that is the only way through my walls. But he knows how tough emotions are for me and only uses that key when absolutely necessary. But now it seems that big door is sitting ajar. He can so easily hurt my feelings and I know - absolutely, concretely know that he doesn't mean it. He's the sweetest most loving man I know, but he's just not used to having to handle me with kid gloves. I've been the hard ass of our family for all these years; so much more likely to hurt his feelings because I wasn't being careful, then the other way around.

But now. Well now, he can just tear me up and I just don't know how to handle it. A friend of mine who also has a DD relationship said to me "Now Kelly, you didn't really think you'd be able to stay emotionally distant with him smackin' your ass, did you? Come on girl, you're smarter than that." Truthfully, it never crossed my mind one way or the other, at least not on a conscious level.... But even more truthfully, I really think - deep down where I don't like to look - this emotional nakedness might be the thing I was looking for all along. Dan and I are very close; but in a fun and friendly way. We love each other very, very much but we also really like each other, we have fun together, we have a great sex life, but rarely make love (which is all me), he's much more emotional than I am, but I've pushed that away for so long it's really hard to bring it back and boy oh boy am I ill-equipped to do it. We could be closer - closer in a raw and scary, yet I think rewarding way. Damn I wish I didn't feel this was the right path for us. Sometimes I really want to just jump ship and say forget it, I was just kidding.

Kelly

Not sure what to do now

I have asked for DD. Dan has agreed to it. He's seen me react positively to a spanking. He's really appreciated the ability to express his displeasure and have an issue be over and done with. He'll do anything to make me happy. We've been progressing slowly but steadily in the right direction.

But we seem to be stuck, or at least stalled. I'm pretty sure he'd spank if I was a total ass to him, but that's not really me. And I'm pretty sure if I was totally stressed out; that kind of visible stress that causes you to be short with people or for me sometimes it manifests itself with very controlled speaking as if I'm doing everything I can to keep myself from running screaming from a room, he'd spank to give me some stress relief. But I'm pretty even tempered, so that doesn't happen too much. So that leaves us with... hmmm... I don't know what.

It's not that I want to be spanked every day; I so don't. But if I'm not usually an ass and I'm not usually stressed, then there will be virtually no spanking in our home. In the limited experience we've had with actual spankings I have found the connection created between us extremely desirable. What a ridiculously, stupidly clinical comment; but true nonetheless. It's an emotional release; one we truly haven't fully explored. But for a me, a non emotional woman, I crave that release I've only yet had a taste of. I've told him I want there to be more spankings in my life. He has agreed. But I think we both struggle; him more than I, with the why of it and we just haven't been doing this long enough to have found our comfort zone with this new dynamic.

A friend of mine directed me to a Vicki Blue essay that I'm going to give Dan tonight that talks about other reasons to spank; laying it out in sort of black and white terms. The other parts of DD seem to be well defined for us. We're both comfortable enough with him in the leader role, which is definitely different for us. He asserts himself about the little stuff that bugs him, much more comfortably. He likes to give my butt a few good swats to emphasize a point here and there. It's working for us, but I'm selfish and I want more. Wish me luck.

Kelly

Doing what I'm asked

I don't always find doing what I'm asked very easy... Okay. Let's be honest. I have a really hard time with it. ;)

Forever ago Thomas had ear marked the sale of his old junker/play car as my money for a ring I wanted. (It was a car someone just gave him for free. It ran - sort of!) An old mechanic bought it for his own toy this week.

Anyway, last night I'm looking at the ring online and I see another set I want of two rings. They were on sale, it was not much more money than the allotted car fund but I felt guilty. So I asked him.

This may not seem like a big deal "So I asked him." but for me it is. For most of our marriage I wouldn't have asked. I would have just told him I'd done it. I pay all our bills (He hates to pay bills) so I always know how much money we have, etc.

He told me he didn't think I should get them all. Order one ring, enjoy it. Then order another in a month or two and enjoy that one then. He didn't flat out tell me no. He even said "Go ahead if you really want to."

I waffled for awhile internally. I didn't say anything to him - although he knew I was struggling with it. I IMed Kelly - she was encouraging too.

Finally, I just ordered the one ring. For no other reason than I wanted to do what Thomas thought I should.

When I told him I'd just ordered the one ring, he leaned over, kissed me on the forehead and said "I'm proud of you for using such good self-control." (It was something like that. That's not quite how he said it.)

When he said that, it was worth it.

It's just an example of what Kelly said about the vegetable choices.

Getting or not getting the rings was not the important issue. My sweet husband rarely tells me no that it's important I listen when he gently does.

And I feel a little victorious too!

...and I WILL get the other ring later... ;)

The beginning of "it" for us

Unlike Melanie, we hadn't really ever tried out different balances in our marriage, but still I was searching for something. Maybe I was just tired of keeping everything in balance. I could no longer come up with the point. The first thing I told Dan about domestic discipline was "Babe, do you know what I found on the web? There are these absolutely crazy people out there who have real live ongoing relationships where the husband spanks the wife if she misbehaves. Can you imagine? We live in a seriously crazy world." And he said something like "It takes all kinds".

A few weeks and much surfing later, I came back to him and said "Honey, you remember what I told you about those crazy spankers?"

"Yeah"

"Well I've been doing a bit more research into it and... well.. I'm finding it very.. (insert meaningful pause) interesting"

I got some raised eyebrows, he knows me very well. "Interesting, you say?"

"yup"

"Okay, keep me posted."

Over the next couple of weeks I came out and told him I wanted this type of relationship. He was surprised and skeptical but always willing do give me what I want.

Really the first thing I did was practice following his lead. It started with small almost meaningless things; would you rather have corn or broccoli? and then going with his preference. Asking his opinion on more things and just following his lead. He's a smart man, he makes good choices and I like corn and broccoli - what do I care which we eat tonight? But a funny thing started happening, even with just these little things, I started to fell oddly closer to him and I think he started to stand up a little straighter. But really there were all these emotional things going on with me; like my walls were beginning to crack and warp. It scared the hell out of me, but I couldn't shake my bone deep belief that this was the right direction for us.

We're still working on it. Dan 's an engineer and very methodical, he takes his time easing into anything new. But I want this, maybe it's that I need this and I know he'll do anything he can to give me what I want and need so we're getting there just exactly at the right pace for us. We're moving much slower than anyone else I know who lives their life similarly; but it's just the right pace for us. We both need the time to really adjust to this new dynamic. We are both getting more comfortable with spanking and how it fits in with us. Each time we do it, it becomes closer to what we're both looking for. We both remain astonished that it is having such positive effects on our already strong marriage.

Kelly

Melanie's Intro

Oh where to start...

We practice domestic discipline.

We spent a lot of years of our marriage fighting for control. Thomas fighting to take control, me fighting back, and him giving in because he wants to make me happy. (He would do anything to make me happy!) Me fighting more because I wanted him to win but only if he could best me - not that I ever told him that - or that I was even capable of really putting that into words myself for a long time.

We messed around with some different dynamics starting a couple years ago. I was just looking for a solution. I hated battling with him. We tried different balances and one day as I was reading online I came across the term "Taken In Hand" and that led me to Domestic Discipline. When I read it I just knew it was what I'd been looking for.

In researching the term, I found a lot of things I don't agree with and a lot I do. We take what we want and leave the rest.

We needed a structure. A balance in our relationship. And this was the answer.

I didn't even hesitate. I called Thomas to the computer right then to show him what I'd found. He asked incredulously "You're gonna let me spank you?"

But he quickly took to the idea - really quickly actually.

Like anything else with marriage there are bumps and bruises along the way.

I imagine I will use this blog mostly to flesh all the stuff out. Writing out my feelings about this is so helpful to me.

I am - like Kelly said - a strong woman. There isn't a soul who knows me that would believe this happens in my house hold.

My husband is in charge. And I like it!

Kelly's introduction

I'm a 42 year old woman; smart and powerful - a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a feminist, a CPA. I’ve been married to Dan, an amazing man for more than fifteen years. We have two children and two dogs. I discovered domestic discipline on the web about nine months ago and wow... click. That was it. A big piece of the puzzle slid perfectly into place. I tried to shake it, deny it could be true, but it's here to stay.

To say this is a surprise to me is an understatement of epic proportion. Most people who know Dan and me would say if asked that I wear the pants in the relationship. This isn’t and has never been the case, I’m just louder. We’ve had what we both consider a true 50/50 relationship. We've laughed at those who think it's not possible. But it takes hard work to keep the balance just so. We both take care of the kids, we both cook, we both work outside of the home, we both clean, we both make decisions, we both have veto power. There are things he does better than I and things I do better than him and we make the most efficient decisions we can about who does what.

Many years ago, we heard someone on the radio talking about the secret to completing household projects successfully is picking a leader. We've always joked that it's really the secret to our happy marriage - can you say holy foreshadowing Batman? We both have strong assertive personalities and discovered pretty quickly that we approach projects in very different ways; which naturally led to some heated ‘discussions’. So, whether assembling a new bike for the kids or painting the living room we pick a leader.

The real key is that once the leader has been picked, they’ve been picked and the other one follows their lead. We’re both extremely capable of just about any household project, we both go into a project with the same goal; the successful completion of it, so we both know going in the outcome will be what we want, so there really is no need to sweat the small stuff. When he’s the leader, I follow his lead completely and when I'm the leader, he follows mine. It took some practice the first few times, but now it’s natural. There’s no fighting, no discourse of any kind and soon enough the project is done and we’ve moved on to the next task.

When I was on the web searching earlier this year. Searching... for something I couldn't define, but something I knew was missing. I found domestic discipline and knew I'd found it. It hit me that I wanted to pick a leader for everything. I wanted him to be the leader of our marriage. We share the same goals for us and our family; to be happy, to be secure, to make each other happy, our little family (not the extended one) is most important. I trust him with my heart and with my life and with my happiness. Neither one of us needs to work so hard to keep the balance in tact; we don't need to sweat the small stuff.

For years, I spent a lot of time and energy making sure no one thought it was okay to tell me what to do; maybe especially him, certainly society as a whole. And together we've spent a lot of energy keeping our balance just right. But really, what was the point? So What. Who cares. No one believed it was true anyway. All that energy we spent for all those years, making sure we stayed true to an equal partnership. I don't think it was wasted, but we sure don't need to keep doing it.

All the fighting I did and the balancing we both did, making sure everyone knows I am strong enough and capable enough to do whatever I want - it never gave me time to relax, to enjoy what I was fighting for. I finally am strong enough. Strong enough to step back. Strong enough to be led.

I’m participating in this blog for me and me alone. To learn more about myself and where I fit in the world. Truly, I'm still a little bit in shock that I really do want this in my life, but I really do.

Kelly