Different paths - mileage may vary

It seems there are many paths to take towards a loving consistent DD way of life. I am very conscious about not saying towards a perfect DD life, because I don't think that exists - just like I don't think a perfect marriage exists. Both (or maybe in our cases they are one in the same) are living breathing things that take lots of nourishment and constant care to keep them thriving.

Melanie and I were talking the other day and some of the differences that exist occurred to me. One of the important benefits of DD, actually it's the most important to me, is the closeness and connection that it can bring to a relationship. I've always been a fairly closed off person and through DD I've allowed some of my layers to be peeled back - sort of like an onion. Somehow though DD; Dan paying attention to me, me knowing he is at least in part through him spanking me the layers start to peel away. The result of that is a warmer and closer connection to him which I love and I believe he loves too.

The problem that we haven't yet fully figured out is how to keep them peeled back. It's like we are on the same page for a while and the layers are moving but then we stall and it's almost like the layers start to grow over. This is a difference between Melanie and I. I think she can get to the 'layers are peeled' place in a couple of ways; Thomas being loving and consistent with DD in their house will certainly keep her walls down (or layers peeled) but I also think with effort she is able to decide to let her layers peel away but either way it leaves her raw and open to hurt. And so she has to be really confident that Thomas will treat her with kid gloves.

Whereas I don't have the first clue how to peel back my own layers or tear down my walls - though I have seen with DD they can move on their own. I truly want the walls down; at least towards Dan, as I believe this will keep us more connected - more of a unit, and I think DD is a method towards making that happen. But I think because we haven't figured out exactly what DD means in our every day life the layers don't tend to stay peeled. So it feels like we take two steps forward and one step back.

I do think I am figuring out that spanking itself is a key for me and my layers. I'm not sure why and I'm not sure how, but if nothing spanking related happens for more than three weeks or so, I can feel my walls going back up. I can feel myself getting more tense about things in general. Maybe I'm just enough of a doubting Thomas (no offense Thomas) that I need the concrete reminder. If that one piece is there (Dan paying attention to me and I am reminded of this by a spanking) and it can be counted on - the rest of life is easier to take. I'm pretty sure that we'll get there. Dan has been really great of late. But we're still working on the finer points. It's hard for him to think it's okay to spank for the normal stuff in the course of our lives. He'll say things - so I know he's not completely ignoring it or me - like 'stop, you're being snappish', or 'that's enough', or 'stop it right now'. It's mostly just little stuff. But I think there will come a day when he decides that's enough to spank over - or three of those things is enough. I'm not going to suddenly start being a royal brat that does all these awful things so we'll have to figure out what things will warrant a spanking and hopefully we'll find a way to keep the layers from growing over again. I truly believe he'll eventually get to a place where he'll be comfortable spanking over the day to day stuff because I think that may be the only thing that gets me spanked often enough for my layers to not start growing over again.

I was saying to Melanie - my way is frustratingly, excruciatingly slow. It drives me insane some of the time - sitting and waiting for something to happen - waiting to find out whether Dan meant what he last said about DD; whatever it was. But the result for me is frustration or anger - occasionally I can get hurt too, but really I keep my walls high enough to protect me from that. Melanie, however, can get really hurt as she opens herself up by putting her walls down and trusting in Thomas. If he doesn't follow through with what he said he was going to do; or worse yet if he's just insensitive to her needs in general - the result for her is hurt.

So sometimes I look at her and many others I know and think OMG we'll never get there. We often seem stalled in the same place or the steps we take make baby steps seem like giant leaps, but we have not had these huge starts and stops with lots of ups and downs and wild fluctuations and massive hurt and crying jags. We're walking in a relatively straight line - even if it's taking a long time to get there. Others I know, in some ways including Melanie, took off at rocket speed and have gotten much further than I ever have only to have these wild ups and downs and a measure of drama along the way. I'm not sure which way is better; certainly they both have pros and cons and I believe both are equally successful.

Kelly

Two Sides...

There are two things I need from my husband.

1. I need him to be my rock. I need to be able to lean on him, to rail against him, to push with all my might – and I need to him to be immovable in his care and affection of me. Immovable.

2. I need him to be the soft place I land when I fall – my safe place in this world.

Is it fair for me to ask both these things of him?

I ask these things with the understanding that he’s human – he will not always come through for me. But I need him to try with unwavering commitment.

We’ve had several conversations about how he struggles with balancing in these things – or at the very least understanding how they can coexist.

I really feel like they are two sides of the same coin. If he is all of the first things to me – my immovable rock, then – and only then – can I trust him to be my safe, soft place.

A phrase is coming to mind I can’t quite bring up – something about velvet steel. It’s an accurate image in my head but I can’t think of the phrase.

I hate having DD compared to parenting but there just are some comparisons to be made. I am those two things to my child. I am the boundaries she needs, her guide through everything, and I am the place she runs when she needs comfort.

I want those things from my husband. I think from our conversation today he understands now what I mean but…

Is it fair? Am I wrong to ask this of him?

When the cat's away the mouse totally ignores the house

The kids and I picked Dan up at the airport after he'd been out of town on business. We had a nice dinner out and then came home well after dark. We pulled into the garage and he went to get the mail. While at the box he called all three of us outside with him claiming there was a problem with the house. As he's told me in the past that I forget to turn the lights off too much I correctly figured I'd left some lights on and I immediately started laughing. I knew exactly where this conversation was going to go and what the result to my butt was going to be and I couldn't stop laughing. I thought that was a bad sign for my laughing problem. He led us around the house like a haphazard troop until we had all but circled the house and literally every single room was lit up like Christmas. Even the unfinished basement. And me... I was nearly hyperventalating I was laughing so hard. He was trying to get the kids to guess what was wrong with the house and they weren't getting it and I had tears streaming down my face.

With my history of hysterical laughter at the wrong moment, you can imagine I was more than a little worried this was not a good sign of things to come. Due to our schedule it took several days before it was time to deal with my inattention. He pulled out the small leather paddle that had bruised me so intensely the last time it was used and told me that not only was it for the fact that every single light was turned on in the house while he was away, but several other issues of inattentiveness as well;
- I’d not brought in a single newspaper while he was gone (I don’t read them and despite the fact that he’s mentioned it in the past it almost never crosses my mind)
- He IMed me on trash night reminding me to get our son to take out the trash. I confidently assured him it had already been taken care of (I mean what kind of idiot can’t remember to take the trash to the curb) I’d even pulled our 2nd trash can oub because we’d gone over our normal one can load….. Well it turns out in my cockiness after I put the extra trash in the 2nd can and took it to the curb.... I went inside and totally forgot the original, bursting at the seems can. Oops.
- While he was away I had not signed our younger son’s agenda even once signifying he’d done his reading for the night. I did make sure the reading was done; I just didn’t sign the paper. I’ve got no excuse for this one – well I do, but it’s so bad that it just makes it worse.

He had me lean over the bed and he pulled down my pants and underwear and began. He started out really lightly and very slowly built up the intensity. He got to a medium intensity and held there for a while and I definitely got the feeling I could get seriously turned on by some more playful domineering in the bedroom that would include that kind of thing. It seemed inappropriate to be having those thoughts so I pushed them away and before long he was going harder and those thoughts were completely gone all by themselves.

For the most part I was really concentrating on making sure I didn’t laugh, though as it turned out I really didn’t have the urge to which I was very happy about. Well that is until he asked me if I’d gone over the health review with our older child that evening. He’d specifically asked me to after I mentioned I wanted it to get done. I didn’t tell Dan, though I knew that our son had a few more days before it had to be done so it wasn’t that high on my priority list when I mentioned it. But I never told Dan that and he had very specifically told me it was my responsibility to make sure that got done that night. Oops. Once I told him no that I hadn’t done it, I didn’t go into any explanation as I knew it was irrelevant, he went a lot harder. Then he asked me to list the four reasons, no make that five reasons I was getting spanked. Man was that hard. And then I couldn’t come up with the signing the agenda one. I got to that one and said “I have no idea what the fifth one is” okay that was a painful answer. Eventually it came to me, but not before I collapsed to the floor a couple of times to get away from the paddle.

My overall impressions were that I thought he did a good job of heading down the road towards helping me get in the right mindset for this, though I think the world series being on in the room (which I wanted to be on as much as he did) took away from that a bit. While he was talking to me, not quite lecturing, he kept looking up at the TV which was behind and above me. I think a more serious tone about the stuff that matters to him would continue to push me where I think I need to go, maybe even reiterating what he said from time to time.

As far as the intensity is concerned overall it was pretty good though it could have either been harder or longer, or maybe both. It didn't feel quite finished, but not in a bad way. He seemed physically uncomfortable during it, standing and sitting repeatedly, so maybe we need to work on a different position.

I would be very interested to keep going at the medium intensity that he spent a bit of time on for a much longer period of time. I'd be interested to see how that effected me. but I'd need to know it was going to last longer going in. I'm wondering if maybe more time would let me think more about the issue and give my mind time to let go of my astonishment that I'm actually in that position, but only of course if he was comfortable doing that.

Let me tell you when he asked me questions in the middle - That was really, really good. That was the place in the whole experience that was the most.. uh.. real or intense or something as far as my mind was concerned. The whole way he handled that - how when I didn't know the 5th reason he just calmly went a lot harder - it brought it home to me in a different kind of way that this was his show, not mine. Even when I finally did remember and managed to get it out he told me I wasn't specific enough and asked for more detail and until I said what he was looking for he was wailing away really hard. I can't say I liked how that part felt on my butt, but I definitley liked how real that felt for my mind.

Overall I'd say it was a very good and positive experience - one that leaves me feeling closer and more connected to my wonderful husband.

Kelly

The right sentiment, the wrong approach

So after my last post Dan and I had a long conversation over the course of a week or so and we ended up in a really good place, though we were still preparing for the big conference and that was taking up lots and lots of time. We managed to work together very much like the team we are. I felt closer to him again. Part of that long conversation involved me taking DD off the table - I told him I wasn't wed to it, but I was wed to the closeness it seemed to bring to us and if he didn't want to do DD that was fine, but he needed to come up with another way to bring us that closeness. I told him I believed he was getting a lot out of DD and if he did want to do it, he needed to own it and own what it brings to him as well as what it brings to us. He gave it some thought and agreed - he did get things out of it and he liked what it gave to us he definitely wanted to do it.

Flash forward - we've made it though the conference and it's two weeks later and during the last month or so he's been really nicely HOH-y. Lots of swats, lots of decisions, I feel protected and cared for...... but

Of course there's a but - enough time has passed without there actually being any spanking that it's starting to feel a little ... uh... staged, fake, uh something along those lines. Like it's just lip service. I can totally see his mind working. He knows he should spank me, but it's not like I'm running around like an idiot giving him all these obvious reasons and I know him, he doesn't want to fuck it up so he's doing nothing. I can see him think about it - hmmm maybe I should use that as a reason to spank her - but what if she doesn't like that reason - what if it's not good enough - I want to do this right. I totally appreciate his thought on this and I've been really wanting to let him figure this out. I've said from the beginning that I fully expected we'd have a longer road to travel to get to some semblance of regular and consistent DD and I've been totally correct on that score. I really feel like we're sitting on the cusp - he gets it - it's good for him, it's good for me, it's really good for us. He's just heaped all this extra pressure on himself because he's worried he'll get it wrong which has led to total inactivity.

I've been thinking in the past week or so.... okay I'm ready for you to do something. I really don't want to have to "turn the crank" again. I don't want to be in charge, I don't want to decide, but okay now, I'm ready.

So now we get to this weekend. We've got a lot on our plate this weekend and it was really stressing me out. I asked him for help and that didn't go well - mostly because of a bunch of mis-communications but we ended up yelling at each other which we almost never ever do. Then today, on Saturday I had just a stupid day - lots of things didn't go all that well and I was still stressed all day. I can see Dan is worried about me, he wants to take care of me and make the stress go away - I love him for that.

but... he came into our room tonight after the kids were down and closed the door and said... I have a theory of what might help you. I think I've waited too long to give you a stressbuster. It's two weeks after the conference and I think I should have been helping you out more and I think it could be helpful to you. So if you're willing and if you want me to, I think tonight I could give you a stressbuster. I told him that I didn't really "get" stressbusters. Oh, he said, well I could spank you because you were snippy to me, or because you're va clempt (don't know how to spell that), or cuz you yelled at me last night. Hey, you yelled at me too. Yeah, but I don't like to be spanked. Then he said - you have absolutely no sense of humor about this do you? Nope, I said. Well, I'll be downstairs if you need me. And he left.

I told Melanie about this conversation and she asked how I felt about it. After some thought I told her "I feel like it won't work for me if he's asking for my permission, particularly when if I don't specifically give it he leaves." I really think if I'd said.. yeah honey that sounds like a great idea it would have totally pissed me off. I sat there and stared at him thinking - oh wow, go Dan I'm glad you finally got there on your own - I should totally let him do it so I can then give him positive feed back and we can move down this path but - I couldn't do it. I was already too stressed I just couldn't add more to me and that's what it would have been.

What would have worked for me....
Over the past couple of weeks.... There have been lots of times when I could see it crossing his mind... I should probably spank for that, we-ell maybe I should wait for something bigger, yeah I'll wait. I think he should have just done it - just gone ahead and spanked and then let us talk about it afterward. Maybe he'd have done it for something I didn't agree with and it would have pissed me off, maybe it would have been blah, maybe it would have been wonderful. I won't hold an attempt against him.

For me - DD is about feeling protected. Feeling cared for. Feeling paid attention to. Why him deciding he should spank me makes me feel that way I have no idea. But it's not the spanking, or it wouldn't matter if I was the one to decide it needed to get done - so it has to be that it's his decision to do it. He's watching me, he's seeing something, anything, some way I could be better; nicer, more respectful, more careful with myself, my health, gotten more sleep. Something. Anything.

I really think we both get something unexpected out of this, but until we practice this regularly and consistently and unfortunately for my butt I think that means actual spankings, we won't learn what actually works for us and what doesn't. It might turn out that we rarely have spankings. It might turn out that we have them scheduled every other Sunday no matter what's going on. We might find out that longer but lighter spankings work best for us or that shorter and harder ones are better or as is my guess there is a place for both.

But we won't learn anything until he's ready to decide to do something and not just decide to ask for my permission to do something.

Kelly

Turning the crank

We have this cycle. And maybe the cycle changes each time - for the better - I'm not sure if that's true of if I'm just making excuses. Frankly I'm tired of the cycle and I want off. But I don't know what off means. I don't want to go back to the way it used to be - which wasn't bad - but felt less close and connected.

Wait - let's talk about the cycle. I say something specific about DD to Dan (sometimes through email, sometimes a conversation, lately it's been through this blog; he reads it. I've actually avoided blogging here because I was hoping the cycle might change - but ... not so much. So back to it... I say something do Dan and he says... "you know I was just thinking I should spank you for this or that. In fact if you hadn't said something tonight I was going to talk to you about it tomorrow." and then he spanks me. Somewhere in there before and/or after we'll have this good and in depth conversation about us and stuff and whatnot and it leaves me feeling like we're on the same page. For me the aftermath of those things is always a sense of being closer and more connected with him. We're more in tune; a team - I feel more love and happiness and security flowing around our home. I can so easily overlook things I would otherwise find annoying - or if not overlook certainly they don't really bother me. (Like leaving the bread open or the milk on the counter).

For him - I don't know what he feels - but he'll act as though he's more in tune with me. We seem to joke more, play more, there seem to be lots of places where he'll get all "HOH-y" even in jest as in "AH AH AH Stop right now" or "Enough!" or he'll just come up and whack my ass here and there to accentuate his point. This will last for ... eh... a few weeks until it slowly dwindles away. Maybe that happens related to his travel schedule, maybe not, I don't know.

But then we get to this place we're in now, where we're basically roommates again. We get along great. We still laugh, but less. We have sex - sometimes more sometimes less - but even that feels less connected. It'll bother me more if he gets up afterward to go back to work (in his den downstairs) or it'll bother me less and that will bother me more. Any HOH-y things that he does are now few and far between - just today he said... "you're the leader (on a house project we're working on) but I'm still in charge" I stopped myself from saying... "Yeah right", I thought that was the mature thing to do.

It's not that I like to be spanked per se, I really don't - it hurts. (though I will say I'm very interested in playing with spanking and pain in a fun and sexual way, but am not sure Dan's yet ready to try that) But for me, it seems a small price to pay for the connection and harmony it brings to me - I'd like to say to us, but I think Dan would argue that point - it's not logical enough for him (but I think he'd be wrong). I've told him repeatedly I want more spanking in my life, I want to feel his ... presence. I want to say feel his authority but again I know he'll read this and I think he'll balk at that word - want to argue and dissect the language of it. (ok he doesn't really argue at all) What he does do is say over and over - I want to meet your needs, keep telling me what you want and we'll see how it goes. And I keep telling him and he'll dutifully repeat it back in his own words to make sure he really gets what I'm saying and then.... not a thing. At least not until I wind the little crank on the side of our cycle again by saying something to him and then it'll all start over again..

Maybe the fact that today, 8 weeks to the day since the last time he spanked me, he made the comment about him being in charge is something I should view as a sign he won't always need me to wind the crank - maybe not. But for me - as time passes and the stuff related to DD that he does is less and less I feel less and less important to him. I feel less and less connected to him. More alone. The bread and milk kind of things he does bother me more and more. I don't like this cycle. He asked me the other day... are their lesbian couples who practice DD too (as if that's what we do) and again I refrained from saying something snarky and immature. I think I should get a prize for that.

I know he'll say - Man, I'm sorry, it's just the project I'm working on (which is in a little more than a month from now and is certainly a huge time sucker). But I don't buy that. By the time the project rolls around it'll have been a quarter of a year since he last spanked me. (assuming he doesn't read this little post and notice that I'm turning the crank) And in every quarter of every year there's a lot of life that happens; big and small. And I want to be his priority - always.

Kelly

Maslow's Hierarchy

So the last few months - maybe even 6 or 8 months - DD has just been barely existing in this house. As I mentioned the last time I posted (which was in May! I'm so lame.) we've had a lot of life stresses lately. This economy has effected my husband's job very badly. As of last week or so things are looking up, he's working steady and things are great! This is a huge relief, of course.

But while all of this has been going on, I was very frustrated that our DD was just gone. Slowly but surely disappeared. *poof*

And things start to get better at work and suddenly two days later Thomas is being all HOHy and saying DD things. And all I can think is, "What in the world?!?!" And frankly it made me mad. I felt abandoned when the DD died and to suddenly have it back because he was happy about work really made me feel.... secondary I guess is the best word.

So today while I'm showering, I'm thinking. (It's a good place to think. No one is usually talking to me - at least not steadily. My child came in three times to ask for things! lol) Anyway, I was thinking about the switch and then I started thinking about Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

Don't think I'm crazy. Just stick with me here.

So first there's the basics on that chart. The first level we still had. The 2nd - Safety, yes. Security, definitely not! The 3rd level, yes. The 4th? His self-esteem was shot - not supporting his family in the manner he's used to was driving him crazy. He was getting so depressed. I had to - in fact - kind of take control of our life and give him things to get done and activities to keep busy with so he didn't sit and go stir crazy.

As we got further and further from having had security, the worse it got. Actually, at first it was like he was more focused on DD but as time went on - not so much.

And really I think DD - in the realm of relationship ideals - goes in that top level. It's not just function as a couple... DD gives us a system by which to function in harmony.

Without all the other things it just came toppling down around us. I think certainly it withstands normal life stresses but unemployment type situations are not normal.

Everything is okay now at work and it seems to already be reappearing.

I just thought the thought itself was interesting. I bet Maslow wasn't thinking about DD or spanking, eh?

I wish I'd had this thought before we went through this last year or so. Maybe the next time some major life thing throws us for a loop I'll be better prepared for our reactions to it DD-wise.

That intangible connection

Dan and I get along so wonderfully well - it's just easy. We truly like each other. That said we'd been distant from each other. Life just got in the way. He had a heavy travel schedule for work, the kids were running us in opposite directions, then a project he works on got some bad reviews and even though he had no control whatsoever on the parts that people didn't like he took it very personally and sort of retreated into himself. I knew he needed the space and I did my best to give it to him, but still... we weren't a unit - we were two people living in the same house getting done what needed to get done.

I was lonely. I was missing him. It effected both of us. We just weren't us, we weren't fighting exactly, but we were distant and separate. It had been gradual, but it was there and it just didn't feel good - we just weren't connected anymore. We were still going through motions, but we were laughing a lot less and smiling less and just... life wasn't as rich.

The tension was getting to me and I did some things I wasn't proud of and ultimately confessed to him via email. I chose email because I knew that would give him the time and space he'd need to digest what I was telling him and for him to decide how to deal with it. The odd thing for me was that just hitting send on the email made me feel closer to him, almost like the world was falling back into place.

The next night he spanked. Hard. I could go into the spanking, but I won't - the point here is - since he's spanked - really since he got home and we were both awake the next day even before he spanked - we've been connected again. We've been laughing and joking and easy again. I don't know what it is exactly. Is it that I had to be honest and vulnerable to confess my sins? or to lay there and be spanked? Or is it just that we were paying attention to each other again... me to what I did and how it effected him and him to dealing with me and letting me know he wasn't happy with what I did. I really don't know - but what I do know is that we are back to being us again. The laughter is back, the comfort is back, the easy is back, we are back.

I think maybe that a spanking; both the giving of it and the receiving of it is an intimate act that forces you both to be totally focused on each other and maybe it's that focus that solidified our being back. If I have to deal with a week of sitting a bit uncomfortably and some serious bruises - well that is a really such a small price to pay for such a big and valuable thing. I love my husband.

Kelly

Making it Real

Melanie and I had an IM conversation the other day and afterwards we both thought it would make a good blog post. We'd love to hear what others might think of our line of thinking....

Kelly: I think the authority isn't "real".. It still feels very much like I am doing all the pulling instead of there being more a balance of my pull and his push. I am choosing to follow, which of course will always be the case, but... until he really leads, truly asserts his authority and I’m confident that authority is real and not just a game, or not just because Kelly told me to do it, then it will continue to feel one sided. I would guess it will take time and consistency and probably a punishment or maybe more than one, that pushes me beyond my limits, past where he knew he was causing me real pain for me to gain confidence that he’s pushing as much as I’m pulling.

Until then, on some level it feels not quite like a game, but... like we are playing at something - not sure how to say this and I’m truly not unhappy at all, I think we're heading there... but this is something I’ve been mulling over in the past week or so.

Melanie: I think it is frustrating. You can’t make them own it or it's not them really owning it. It's a kind of powerless stage because you want it to move forward but you can't move it forward. He has to. Unless there is some way I don't know.

Kelly: I agree and really I'm not complaining or unhappy, this is just something that has recently occurred to me. Along with what I now think is one of the main reasons I started this in the first place which is I think wanting or maybe needing a really grounded and specific and tangible way to know he's paying attention to me. I really think it all traces back to that which is surprising at the least to think that is part of why, but I think it is.

I've spent time trying to understand why I wanted this, but have really not known the reason, only known that it felt totally and completely right, that my gut was screaming at me to go this way, but I think that's it and so then... now that I'm (for the moment) fairly comfortable that we're on this path, whatever it might be, I've been thinking about that thing that will make what I was looking for to begin with - be true. And that's when he's not just doing it because he thinks that's what I want today, where he's ready to change and do something different if that’s what I want tomorrow.

Of course, this totally flies in the face of what I used to think about this. I used to read of others not happy that their husbands’ were doing this “just because they asked them to” and I’d always think, in fact I’m sure I’ve told Dan this, that that was ridiculous. That there is no reason in the world that my husband/ or anyone else's doing something just because it makes me happy could be a bad thing. And no, it's not a bad thing, not ever. In a marriage you both do things just because it makes your spouse happy and there’s nothing wrong with that and his motives don't make the actions any less valid, but now I think I get what people where saying.

I still think that’s all true, but I’m not sure it’s as relevant for this particular issue. I think until his motives are personal, then it matters. Until he really owns it, until he is truly confident enough to push me, Until I knew confidently that he would stand up to me and maybe that will take a few painful punishments that are more then him watching the clock and worrying that he is crossing the line, then it's still very much my thing and not his. And until then I will not be getting the thing I think I'm looking for which is a concrete way to know he's paying attention.

Right now I have a concrete way to know he's currently listening to me and acting on what I'm asking him to do, but not a concrete way to know he’s actually paying attention and I think that’s different enough to matter.

Melanie: I do see the difference - and I think it is different enough to matter but alas, I want the paying attention too - not just the listening. Is that wrong? Should the listening be enough?

Kelly: to you... what is the difference between the listening and the paying attention to, give me an example.

Melanie: it's like the difference between going for awhile with no spanking and me saying "I want a spanking" and him giving it. OR him saying "you haven't had a spanking in awhile, we should have one tonight" and following through

Kelly: so if he comes up with the idea that's him paying attention, if he does as you've asked, that's him listening

Melanie: ya

Kelly: So no I don’t' think that's bad, I think that's it exactly. If I could, for a moment, project my thoughts/feelings on to you... if you could concretely count on Thomas to come up with it on his own for the most part, it would be perfectly fine if on this particular day or at this particular moment he didn't and you had to ask but without the real confidence on your part that he really is paying attention, that this and thus *you* are a priority - something important enough to pay attention to, then it's not enough

Melanie: that's exactly what I told him the other night. I just think that's him being AWARE of our relationship and wanting to take care of it the way he takes care of other things in his life. We've had a talk two nights in a row and they’ve both been very good; yesterday was great actually. But low in behold if he doesn't threaten and act HOHy all day - even threatened me in front of my parents (which made them laugh hysterically), and then we get home and crawl in bed and nothing. The man was whining about how his back hurt and when I sighed at one point he was all whiny "are you mad at me?" and I was like “who the heck ARE you?” and we talked for a minute and then suddenly I was face down and getting spanked BUT that was him listening not him pay attention. If you're going to threaten all day FOLLOW THROUGH.

Kelly: Right, but if the confidence had already been established it just wouldn't be that big of a deal if he came home and on this particular night he was too tired to follow through because you would know that he'd do it first thing in the morning or whatever. And yes I totally agree - that's him listening and not him paying attention.

Okay - I'm worth it

So, things are good with Dan and me again. He read my last blog post and that was followed by a back and forth email conversation that lasted late into the night. When all was said and done we're good. The next night he spanked me. It was, I think a general reminder spanking. He used a small leather paddle and then a wooden spatula, both of which were all sting (think 1,000 bee stings). I'm not sure if it was just the surface sting or the serious virgin butt, but I had a really, really hard time taking the spanking. To his serious credit, each time I stood up he just pushed me down and kept going. He told me he wanted me to feel it at least into the next day when he was not going to be home, but unfortunately the stinginess went away pretty quickly.

we talked a lot about spanking and what I want. I don't think we are yet on the same page with that, but I think we're a lot closer than we were. For it to be real and meaningful to me, I think I need it to be about something - I need it to be... I don't know the right word - a corrective action of some sort - closer to discipline than to stress relief. Spanking for the hell of it just doesn't make sense to me. But it's not like I'm this wild out of control crazy woman, so I think Dan has been struggling with the concept of why and when to spank. I believe he would be ready, willing and able to spank me if I were to do something awful; like maybe... I don't know, slap him across the face. But the likelihood that I would actually do that stands somewhere between slim and none.

There are, however, lots of things I do that bug Dan. I can be short and rude with him, I have been known to jump to the wrong and negative conclusions regarding what he says, I can get distant and withdraw into myself. I can be rude to people - particularly if I think they're stupid, I have no interest (read ability) in small talk - with him or anyone else for that matter, I leave the garage door opened - unfortunately the list could go on and on. Ideally for me, he will come up with a few of these things that I do that bother him and make them punishable. Of course, it also makes sense to me that there could be other things that could justify a spanking - a reminder that we are living like this - that he's in charge, because I didn't do something he asked me to, or I'm sure I could come up with many other reasons. Despite all I've written here, though, I don't want to be the one that decides the whys and the whens - I want him to decide - though I'm more than willing to give him as much input as he wants.

Overall, the conversation we had, the spanking he gave me, and the great sex we had afterwards have combined to give us the jump start I think we really needed, and to get us back to clicking on all levels - as he said... click, click, click.

Kelly

Stress

We have a lot of stresses going on these days. (Doesn't everyone?)

But they're all rolling around in my head and while I'm normally very... a 'I can still be happy when things suck' person.

But I have my limits.

I was stressed out beyond belief. So many things rolling around in my head that I couldn't hardly function. I was snapping at Thomas like you wouldn't believe. I literally was at the point where I just threw up my hands, said "I give up!", and crawled back in bed. It was a horrible day. Thomas was wonderful and cooked dinner and took care of things.

And at some point he decided I need a spanking.

As he is starting this spanking, I was fighting it all the way. I did not think I needed -nor did I want -a spanking. I said all kinds of horrid things as he was spanking away.

Every time I'd call him a name or reach back or generally anything he'd smack my thighs. Aye aye aye! That hurts. So when this one was over I had red butt and thighs! Usually I might only get one of those in a spanking for doing something I shouldn't but wow. I was in a mood!

Anyway, he's spanking away and he had told me it was for 15 minutes but as we were getting closer to the end he was saying "Clearly this isn't long enough" but then right about the 12th or 13th minute all the sudden a switch flipped in me and I just started to sob. It took me a few seconds to notice I wasn't fighting anymore and that I was crying.

He pulled me upright and then pulled me over to the recliner with him. And then he rocked me. I sobbed and sobbed and he rocked me.

Sometimes I just have so many walls up that I can't get my own emotions out. I needed release.

Nothing I was upset about is fixed but my ability to deal with these things is repaired for now.

I love him for giving me that.

Maybe I'm just not worth it...

So Dan says he's willing to do DD (whatever that means). And sometimes he even will.. I don't know.. act like he likes it. On some days it seems he likes being in charge, he trusts that I'm not going to suddenly freak out about it - it's easy and seamless - let's go this way and not that way, but on other days he seems... I don't know, wildly put upon, it's awful and draining that I would dare ask this of him. But the words he uses if I push him to use them are consistently - I'm totally willing, I'm not sure yet what it all means to which I answer neither am I, but I'm willing to see what I see and learn what I learn and we'll see what happens from there. Well great I think, let's see what happens. But you know what happens? Exactly nothing.

I've told him on more than one occasion that I want more spanking in my life. I've said in this blog which he's read - (well actually he said he skimmed it, which totally hurt my feelings so I don't actually know if he read those parts or not) - that I don't want to be spanked all the time, but I do want to know it's an actual option. With one exception I can think of I have initiated every single spanking we've ever had. He might disagree with that, but that's my opinion.

For me, that's not at all what I want or what I think I need. And while we've talked about that in specific detail and he's said he's wiling to do it... - nada. I need something of this to come from him, which on repeated occasions he's said he understands and can and will do. And I don't just mean the occasional list of things to do over the weekend, especially if he's not willing to give me more than minimal lip service about getting it completed. I literally can't remember the last time I was spanked. I know it was with the bath brush which he really liked and I thought was the most serious implement we'd used, but it was.. I just don't know... I was going to say two months ago, I just asked Melanie, who I had told about that spanking, and she said "oh man that was forever ago". Maybe it was more like 3 months ago.

Anyway - 2 months or 6 months, either one of them are not real to me, especially if they were my idea. I know that I can get him to spank me, probably fairly often, all I have to do is ask. But if it all comes from me, if the messages I hear from him loud and clear are.. "do you want me to spank you?" "is it okay if I spank you" "if you keep doing that, are you asking me to spank you?" it just isn't even remotely coming from him - it's me leading the charge, he's just along for the ride. I might as well be a self spanker and start producing self spanking videos. I'll review all the implements I own and let you know what I think. I'll become the spankos version of a journalism professor, I don't actually have to experience it, I'll just talk about it.... but I digress.

I struggled with what to do about this and decided to send him an article which was an answer to a question from a husband who had recently been asked to do DD. I know us, sometimes we have our best and most honest conversations by email or IM. He sent the article back to me with lots of comments and asked me to comment back which I did nearly a month ago. A couple of days after I sent my response, unprompted he said, I'm going to go down and respond to your responses so you'll have them tomorrow morning. He didn't do it, but the next morning he apologized and said he'd do it that evening - again this was unprompted and again he didn't do it, if he'd wanted to wait a while or just talk about it or whatever that would have been fine with me. But telling me you're going to do something and then not doing it, well I guess that's just ringing a big bell for me right now - I feel like I'm getting that a lot lately.

Then we had the worst sex of our lives and that tapped into all these other issues for me which are all issues that existed long before DD was ever a thought in my head. We lived in the Antarctic for a couple of weeks, barely talking to each other - much more roommates than spouses. This is not normal for us at all. We communicate really really well... usually. The issues that were tapped into had to do with me not being... paid attention to, heard, listened to.. something along those lines. Specifically because of the issues at hand, I really felt the ball was in his court, that this was the time he needed to step up and be responsible for the emotional health of our relationship and not just me, but he did nothing - ran away a few times, gave me space... all kinds of space. We were marching up to a pre-scheduled trip away for just the two of us and I was thinking - wow this should be fun (please hear the sarcasm). Finally I so couldn't imagine spending the time alone and away with him while we were still being polite roommates I took care of it and brought it up and made us have the conversation we needed to have. It got better and we went away and had a nice time reconnecting.

But... I don't know. Now another week has passed - and... he's not sent the email thingy though of course he's said he would, he's teased me relentlessly that he's "skimmed" this blog which I told him about while drunk and loving him away on our little trip. So despite the fact that I swore I'd never do it, I decided to try to bait him into spanking me. So all day yesterday I bugged him and pushed him and made comments and it seemed like it was working. I got a few more vigorous swats and some "just you waits" while we were out with friends. We didn't get home until 1am and we were both tired and went to bed. I started up again today and he said "you just want me to wail away on you don't you?" On the one hand - DUH! But on the other hand... the way he said it - it was with the same tone and look on his face that he might use if he'd said - you are a crazy loon, you just want to die your hair orange don't you? - I'm not explaining that well - it's not so much that he thinks I'm crazy, but more like - what a cute and endearing wacky part of my personality of which I have many.

That so turned me off, I can't even tell you. I know he'll probably read this, now that he put the RSS feed on his reader thingy, and I'm thinking he's going to read this and thing - wow, I didn't do a thing to get her mad at me - I can't win with her - I just don't know what she wants. Well if you are reading this Dan - I want you to do what you say you will do... here are some of his responses from our recent email conversation.

• To me, I have believed that for you, the spanking was an essential part of the DD for you. Accurate?
• I seem to have no rules for you. Would you like more rules?
• What do you need in order to have that "truly secure, warm wonderful feeling"
• Ok. I am ready for it. What do you want to test me with? Should I be doing the to do list for the weekend more specifically and hold you to it?
• I guess this is what I have seen as the stressbuster. But do you want a maintenance spanking if we go 2 weeks, or 3 weeks, or whatever?

Sure, all those comments are totally out of context here in this post, but each of them is in response to a particular section of the article I sent to him and they all suggest at least a minor understanding of what I'm looking for. I've answered all of his follow up questions, he knows my opinions on spanking and DD and about rules and what I think I need for that secure feeling and what I think about 2 weeks vs. 3 (which is sort of laughable at the moment)... but... nothing.

He says all this stuff, but it's just lip service - saying you're going to do something is so not the same thing as doing it, I wonder if he doesn't think I'll notice. I'm really not sure what to do now - I sort of feel like he doesn't think I'm worth his efforts.

Kelly

Contain Yourself

I can't put this anywhere but a non-vanilla blog and well... it made me laugh so I wanted to share.

Dan and I recently went into a Container Store which is a store full of storage and organizational things (they've got a great website if you've never heard of it). As we were about to walk in he got all serious and growly and said "I know this store might cause you multiple orgasms while you're walking around (as if) but I want you to contain yourself while we're in there." Okay that was funny, but what amused me much more was that when we checked out and they handed us a big shopping bag Dan started laughing and at my confused look he pointed to the bag and there along the side in 12" high letters it said "CONTAIN YOURSELF" and he said "see, they knew you were coming" and then he started laughing all over again at his pun.

Kelly

Subspace vs "insert catchy name"

First, yes - we're moving away from square one at a rapid pace. I'm sitting on a sore tush as proof positive of that!

But this leads me to my need for a "catchy title"...

So subspace is a catchy word and because I don't want to type out an explanation I'm going to assume everyone knows what that means. But I want word to describe the feeling I have after a spanking - a serious one like last night.

I just feel centered, calm, and submissive (I know that one is a loaded word).

I've seen people in stories used the word subspace to describe the feeling after a spanking but that means something totally different to me. That's that almost high, floaty, disconnected, I need help coming down from it feeling. And I don't mean subspace.

Help me out here. Do you know what I mean? Do you have a good word you use?

Or should I just keep saying I feel more "submissive"? Which is definitely true but doesn't quite encompass everything I'd like to express.

Thanks for any & all ideas!

Square 1 & Back again

Sorry about my lack of posting. No excuses. I'm just lame.

A while back I had a long list of posts I wanted to do. All these things seem so distant it's hard to focus on a single incident and post about it. Truly things were going forward in a way I felt like was really good for us! We're a really happy pair as is but I was really feeling so comfortable with the shift of power in our relationship. I had a few mental moments here and there that were something like "What? Seriously? WHY AM I DOING THIS?" but mostly I thought we were doing fabulously.

Then one day a few weeks ago we had a nasty fight. It started with a really awful day for him. He was stressed beyond his limits and needed some release. I made suggestions throughout the day of things he could do to relieve his stress - among the suggestions I offered to him a spanking for his stress relief. A thing I couldn't believe I was offering. "You can spank me to get your aggression out." (paraphrasing of course I was considerably more verbose than that)

He took none of these suggestions which caused me great frustration. Here he was this growing - ready to explode - ball of stress and he was doing nothing to try to alleviate it in a healthy way - along with a past history of picking fights when he's stressed - verbal fights that do damage to our relationship. I handled it really well all day I think - until about 11:45 pm when he woke back after sleeping about an hour and said I had a spanking coming. I thought - okay, he's going to relieve his stress on my butt. I can do this.

But no. He decided he couldn't do that. It didn't feel fair to him even though I offered. So what did he do to make it okay? He made up a reason. Well, he didn't invent the offensive. I had made some flippant remark. However, it was a remark that under normal circumstances would have warranted a few swats and a warning or nothing at all. No big deal. But since he really wanted to spank me for a long time he said it was going to be an hour. Still at least point I knew what was really going on and didn't say anything. I just decided for the health of us, I could do this.

And then he started lecturing me. Which unfortunately - or fortunately depending on how you look at it - he really excels at. In this situation it was unfortunate because he was ripping me up one side and down the other over NOTHING and I was sobbing. The spanking itself was no issue. But the lecture. Terrible. At 13 minutes, I stood up said THE word and went into the bathroom. But when I came back out all heck broke lose and we fought for the next 3 hours. The real details of which are unimportant but the result has not been good.

He felt awful when it was over because he'd done a thing that we had really overcome with DD. Picking a nasty fight when stressed - he gets to scream and yell and afterward he feels better stress-wise but there are pieces of us to pick up and put back together.

So I guess that's what we've been doing this last few weeks - a month maybe? - putting the pieces back together. This fight along with a lot of other major outside stresses means DD has just been... the only phrase I can think of is "in the toilet". Completely and utterly in the toilet.

So last night we had another talk about us and he actually brought up the fight. Basically what I gathered is that because of the mistakes he'd made in the situation he was not feeling "worthy" of his role as HOH so was no longer doing it.

What am I to do about that I just don't know. But he said last night that he would get back to it because it was clearly a better way for us, for our marriage.

So today there have been a lot of mini-spankings. But *I* if am even going to come close to feeling as "submissive" as I had been feeling it's gonna take more than mini/fun spankings. A lot more.

So what am I saying here?

As good as everything was a month ago with DD, 6 months ago even - it's that much of a mess now. I feel like we're at square 1.

With all this previous experience I'm at least hopeful we'll move from square 1 more quickly.

A girl can hope, right?

Sometimes this is so much work.

Where to go from here

I'm not sure what to do now. I've taken a path to DD land that feels a bit different then many others' I've heard about. I still think it's the right one for us. I've know since day one that it would take us longer to get somewhere with this. I've listened to the advice of friends about really letting him own this on his own time and in his own way... I think I've been doing a very good job at that, but damn it, my patience is running seriously thin. I'm bored with this. I'm tired of waiting for him to take this and do something with it. I'm tired of waiting... period.

The problem, of course, is that there is absolutely nothing I can fault him with. He loves me desperately, he wants to make me happy. He is owning this in his own way on his own time. He's just not there yet. He was happy to be able to spank me over not meeting my exercise goal. It was concrete, he could understand it and do something about it. Unfortunately, I started to really resent doing the exercises to avoid a spanking vs. doing the exercising because I like to do it and it's good for me - I was exercising for the wrong reasons and it just wasn't working mentally for me. So we pretty much took that off the table. So now, who knows when I'll ever be spanked again. It's not that I want to be spanked, so much. It's that I want to know it's an actual option, that it's on the table. That he's paying attention to what I'm doing.

I started this post a couple of weeks ago and now am getting back to it... Wanting to know he's paying attention to me... That seems to be a bigger theme in my marriage at the moment. Dan and I always click, but lately we just haven't been and it really all boils down to him paying attention to me. These last few weeks has made me wonder if this issue hasn't been around longer than I realized and maybe it is behind (on some level) my bringing up DD to him in the first place. Maybe that's what clicked for me. A concrete way for me to know he sees me. And wow, I think we have one of the all time best marriages so even writing that somehow feels... I don't know what - disloyal, wrong (but no, it feels right to say that).. I'm going to have to give this some more thought.

Kelly

Living up to my end....

I'm struggling with this. I want Dan to step up and be more in charge, but I don't always follow his lead. It's sort of like we are living two different lives and to some degree they are warring against each other. We've spent so many years as two very independent people with very independent lives. We schedule our lives together.. as in literally in Outlook. We both have to have smart phones so we can actually keep track of the calendar. Over the years we have split certain responsiblities based on our relative skill-sets... There has never been a head of our house.... well maybe I was, if push came to shove, though I think I know that to be true more than Dan does.

So what about now? I've asked for DD, he's agreed - but we're both still figuring this out. I think we've figured out the mechanics of a spanking (I don't care that that sounds ridiculous, it's something we needed to do). I think we've even figured out the overall point of DD. But this day to day stuff... that's hard. My back exercises is the perfect example. After working 70-80 hours a week for six weeks I then slipped on the ice twice and the combination of those things threw my back out. I have ongoing back problems that are kept in control by monthly visits to the chiropractor as well as doing my simple back exercises most days. During that busy time at work I had completely gotten out of the habit of doing them.

Once my back got better, Dan told me I needed to do my exercises at least five times per week or I'd be spanked. I've already gotten spanked for this once, but man, I just can't seem to get myself to do them. There's always a reason not to. And the stupid thing is - this is a perfect opportunity for me to show Dan how this works. I know he wants me to do them because they help to keep me pain free and mobile. I want him to be paying attention to my health and safety... this seems like a stupid no brainer. Do the damn exercises and thank my husband for caring so much about me. This is a win win win. He's telling me to do something... I'm following his lead... and duh.. my back stays healthy.

But I can't seem to get myself to do it. And I know I'm sending him mixed messages. The last thing I want him to think is that this is a spanking game to me, but I why would he think anything else at this point. Hell, I don't know what my deal is. It is definitely on my mind that he might spank for this (my not doing them), but I don't think that's my intention.... maybe it is and I'm just in denial... I just don't know.

The point is, though that I don't think I'm living up to my end of the bargain and I think that slows us down (as if we need to be going any slower). The exercises are one example, but there are others. I've never ever done well if someone tells me what to do, my reaction has always been to do the opposite. Perhaps that's what's going on here... I just don't know. I totally think he's living up to his end, and instead of praising him and helping him gain more confidence that these new things he does and says are exactly what I want, I'm pushing against it... why do you think that is?

Maybe this is real

Dan came upstairs to tell me something wonderful he'd done but in so doing he inadvertently pushed one of my big buttons - not feeling listened to. One of our ongoing tensions is when I feel like I ask him a straight forward simple question and he answers what he thinks I should have asked which often has little to do with what I was actually asking - and it makes me crazy. So when I asked him some questions about what he was telling me and he was answering other questions not asked, which led to him totally contradicting himself - it made me crazy. I did manage to not get mad, barely... but I did get quiet and pull into myself. It was clear that I was annoyed. We politely finished the conversation and then he left to go downstairs.

About five minutes later he came storming back upstairs all kinds of mad. He said he'd been down stairs feeling awful and agonizing over our conversation and THAT was bullshit!!! He did not need to be doing that. (it was very hot!) We had a fairly good conversation right then. I very much appreciated him coming up to deal with it. I thought he was going to spank for it, but ultimately he didn't and eventually he left again and I went to bed.

The next day I thought about it for quite some time and sent him an email wanting to talk about how to have handled the night before better. It said in part...

If I ever make you feel as I did, it would make perfect sense to me that you might want to spank me.. A perfect example of a reason, in fact. The fact that, in my opinion last night, your actions contributed to my closing off and only giving you negatives is not really relevant..... So I think my reaction only served to cause tension where there didn't need to be any and that is contrary to the goal of a peaceful and supportive union (for lack of a better description).

.... The idea that I would do anything that would make you feel badly and have you downstairs agonizing over it is "bullshit" to use your word. I think it's a perfect word. That's not the goal of our marriage and I think you were SO very right to have come back up last night and told me so. I don't think I should have been "let off" as easily as you did, though that is who we have been for a very long time..... I'm just thinking now, that I don't think it should be okay for me to act in a way that makes you feel badly, most especially, when all you were doing was coming up and sharing your excitement about something wonderful you were able to do.....

The next night we had a long conversation...he said he really liked the phrase I had written "a peaceful and supportive union." It made sense to him. We went back and forth for some time about different things but kept coming back to that. I pointed out and he readily agreed (almost with a sense of relief) how if we get into that mode of argument or just tension that I am the arguer and he is the retreater. He said how he'd watched his dad retreat for 20 years and picked up those skills. He's quick, he said and I agree, to take on the burden of a disagreement in order to move past it. I told him that was very much my style, everywhere but with him - he laughed at me telling me he didn't think in all the years we've known each other that I had once done that. My feeling were a little hurt by that because it's not true, but the "feeling" of that statement is true, there usually needs to be another reason for me to do that with him. He doesn't feel well for instance or is in the middle of a big stressful deadline.

The really interesting part was that we both got to a place where we agreed that the peace and harmony of us of the marriage of our family - that's the goal of DD. Sure, he could give me a bedtime or make sure I exercise, but the overriding reason for DD is to make our marriage peaceful and our home full of harmony - and the real truth is that, though he's the yeller and I'm not, it's still me who is more likely to do things counter to that peaceful union... retreat, put on a polite attitude, argue, out logic him just to be right. We've done the work for a good marriage, there's no doubt that's true, but I still hold onto my need to be right in the moment far too many times. I can get to a place where I come back and say what needs to be said, but in the mean time we've had tension and what's the point of that. We both know how well we communicate, why waste time and energy being annoyed or full of righteous indignation.

He gave me suggestions for how I could have handled my confusion better.... Just tell me you need a time out, that you're lost... Okay, sure that's one simple way (she says sarcastically). He said that right there in the moment he needs to work on being stronger; strong enough to tell me to stop and strong enough to be willing to ignore my protests. (I loved that he said that). We talked about how in the future he will tell me to stop and not go down that path of annoyance or tension and then I get to choose - and if I choose wrong, which, hey, maybe I will if I'm feeling "right" (said with hands on hips), that he will stop me himself by telling me to bend over. Maybe the most important thing we both agreed on was that with all our years worth of patterns - we're going to screw this up for a while. How the first several times we do this it might not work. I might still be mad, he might still be annoyed, he might feel guilty, whatever... but at some point it'll click and we'll both trust this is a real live option.

He had told me that one of the main reasons he hadn't spanked that night when he stormed back upstairs was because he was mad and afraid of spanking mad. I told him I trusted him not to hurt me (well you know what I mean). The fact that this was a concern for him told me this was "settling" in his brain. That's a concern that most men have at some point - it's perfectly normal to worry and think about that and him thinking about that made me.... happy on some level because it was such a normal reaction.

This whole DD and spanking thing is going to end up being one of those things that was my idea but he ends up more comfortable with. I'm still wildly embarrassed, though I do think that may be lessening some, but he's just ... I don't know... thoughtful about it, processing it... I think he's sort of considering really owning this power (which, sure scares the bejeezes out of me).. but for all the doubts I've been having about this or that (spanking specifically) I'm telling you (ok I'm telling me) that him having the power to shut me down if I need to be shut down can only be a good thing in our marriage and I think the "stick" of the spanking will, in fact be important to this whole thing, maybe more for him than me, but I'm not sure that's true.... (I may deny writing this later)

Kelly

Spanked for not doing my exercises

I got a spanking. He used the spanking buddy, which I had just gotten in the mail. He told me what it was for and how I needed to get them done every night as the doctor wants me to do and that it's important to him. He found the spanking buddy "fascinating". He had me take down my pants and underwear and had me lay over the side of the bed over some pillows - he was very concerned about my comfort.

He started out fairly lightly but worked up quickly to pretty hard. He didn't say a word during the whole thing and he concentrated right in the low center section - he has a particular affinity for that area. I had some bruising there the next day, but not much. It was harder for a longer sustained time period than is typical and he was clearly not very impressed by my oohs and ouches, or my raising off the bed. In the past he usually goes MUCH softer when I'd yell out. I recently pointed that out to him and well, he was apparently paying attention during that conversation. I didn't "feel" anything good bad or indifferent with respect to the spanking, more just a ... wow, I'm getting tired, we better get to sex or I'm going to be too tired for that and I really wanted sex - so I jumped him just about as soon as we were done.

Kelly

Is spanking relevant?

I figured I wanted to have this blog to have a place to help me process all things DD, also as a place to record DD related things so that in the future I could look back and see how things have changed or stayed the same as the case may be - but I really haven't been doing that, so I'm going to do that now.

Poor Melanie has heard this over and over and over again. I'm not sure why she puts up with me. As I wrote before, my marriage has had a really great year, but I'm left wondering whether or not the actual spanking is remotely relevant. There is no doubt that Dan and I have changed the dynamic within our relationship. He is in charge. This shift has been profound and totally and completely good. But, and here's the thing, I'm not sure if the actual spanking has a darn thing to do with it - other than maybe in a circular kind of way.

So far I have had really no emotional connection to any spankings. There was one time where he spanked for something that I did where I was totally being passive aggressive. But I thought he was spanking for my stress and it was completely not on the radar until literally two seconds before I went over his lap that there was an actual reason and a reason where he was totally right and after that spanking I felt guilty for days. So, that one incident makes me think it's possible for there to be some sort of emotional connection to a spanking. But without that, I'd think that the spanking part, is just a really silly thing we do.

If it turns out that Dan needs the spanking for him to feel completely comfortable being in charge then I will absolutely be okay with keeping the spanking as part of our lives. I really don't mind them at all (well accept while they are actually happening). And in fact, I really love the periodic swats I get here and there throughout the day - they definitely make me feel loved and cared for. But the bare naked, bent over, prolonged spanking..... I just don't know if there's a point.

I've decided to give it a year or so and see what happens. We really are still really new to this and we both have really methodical styles, so the fact that it might take us twice as long as anyone else is really not surprising. So it really could just be that we are still just in the middle of the trying to figure out how to spank and when to spank and for what to spank and the spanking is just too much a thing in the room and not just a means to an end. So I am open to the idea that I will get something from the spanking itself at some point in the future or that Dan gets something from it. But I'm also open to the idea that spanking just might not be relevant for us and it's just the shift in our dynamic that was the important thing for us. We'll just have to wait and see.

Kelly

The best year ever

I've had a really good marriage for a while now. Years before I'd ever heard of DD we had done the work that needed to be done. We'd weathered rough times and come through with a solid and strong marriage full of love, passion, and friendship. We learned how to speak plainly and honestly to each other, even when it's hard; our respect for each other is profound.

In this last year I discovered DD. I brought it to Dan and told him I wanted to add it to our lives. He was wildly skeptical, but as always willing to give me what I want. And the oddest thing has happened.... we've gotten even closer. I can't begin to say how surprised I am. I was inexplicably drawn to DD, and I really didn't know why. Though if I am being honest I think it was as a way to push me to break down the walls I still mostly hide behind, even from Dan. Maybe help me get in touch with my emotional side a bit more.... though I'm quite sure neither of those two things were on my mind at the beginning in any conscious way.

Fairly quickly I worked on changing the dynamic in our lives. Letting him lead, deferring to him whenever possible. And that's that thing that did it. What "it" is, I'm not sure, but whatever it is has been really really good. This shift in the dynamic within our lives has been both very, very subtle and wildly HUGE. We've always had a ton of respect for each which is probably why in a lot of ways the changes have been subtle, but internally - that's been HUGE. I have just relaxed in a way I didn't know I could. I so completely trust him, I know he'll lead us in the right direction. And it's not like I'm suddenly a different person. I'm the same opinionated person I've always been (and that was a big one for Dan), I just choose my battles much more carefully - I don't battle just for the heck of it, just to be right all the time. And you know what... it saves time too, and for a couple who both work full time with two active kids every extra minute is a precious commodity. If he wants to do something a certain way - I am so much more likely now to just say 'okay that sounds great' whether or not I would have chosen a slightly different way. That whole conversation we used to have where we negotiated stupid little things.. we just don't have it any more.

The discipline side of this is still not set, but it's getting there too. He is very comfortable 'telling' me what to do now and 'when' to do something - and he has 'the look' down and the quick swats in the kitchen are plentiful to make his point. We're both not always sure about how and when to spank, but we are getting there.

But the dynamic - that seems fairly well set and.. I don't know.. It's really been just so good. I'm just really surprised about this last year-ish.

Kelly

Bedtime

So remember when I said things wax or wane? We are still waxing here. And doing it on some other plane altogether! I have so much blogging material from the last month I'm completely overwhelmed on where to start. Kelly has maybe even nagged me a little... LOL. Since I've IMed with her through a few of my mental flip outs, she certainly knows I have things to talk about!

It started before I left town for two weeks. He was spanking more and make slight steps in suddenly "owning" his role in our relationship. We've done DD, he believes it works, but lately he's just truly taking ownership of the role and the fact that he LIKES it.

Anyway, so there was an increase in spankings before I left. But while I was gone he couldn't spank me obviously.

I don't know why but he chose my being out of town as the time to start reading on a forum and learning more about DD. His information has always come through me because I'm the one who researches. It felt odd to know he was going to read and form his OWN ideas. Yikes! He joined a chat I was in. He IMed with me a lot (about many things not just DD of course). He gave me the assignment of ordering an American Tawse from the Leather Thorn site. He gave me a bedtime!!

So I'm going to talk mostly about the bedtime. The American Tawse is gonna have to be it's own blog post and it won't even come in the mail until tomorrow. My mental experience of ordering it was interesting.

I have the habit of staying up incredibly late. I often stay up so late, so often, that my eyes start to spasm in this bizarre way until I literally can't keep them open. (I know, I know. Bad.)

So one night while IMing I mention that I'm tired and maybe should go to sleep. Which I shouldn't have done on the heels of telling him about one of my online friends having a bedtime. (Ya. Sometimes I'm so bright, eh?)

Suddenly - at 1 am - I have a 10:30 bedtime to be started the moment I am in my own timezone. All I can think is "NO!!!!" but instead I say, "Okay" and headed off to bed.

When I got home I did as he asked and did not complain. It helped enormously that I was sick the week I got home or I'm certain I'd have dealt with some insomnia. I am quite proud of myself for not complaining. As I got better I was waking up between 4-5 AM everyday and having to force myself back to sleep.

And then a few days ago he says to me "Is 10:30 too early?" and I responded by telling him how early I'd been waking up and he said I could change it to Midnight. Which is perfect for me!

That one was big for me.

1. Having someone else control my bedtime - this whole corner he has turned as made me deal more with my ability to let someone else take control.
2. Not complaining when I thought it was too early!
3. I learned he was paying attention to me and saw when it needed to change. It increases my trust in his ability to take care of me. If I had fought him I wouldn't have gotten to discover that.

And it was a really easy one to show him "See? I listen. This is working!"

So, all-in-all, the bedtime has been successful. Speaking of which - it's almost time!

Oh! And I learned there is a bedtime loophole! If he wants to *play* all bedtimes are null and void! Sheesh! :)